Sunday, March 31, 2019

Peking Duck

 
Chapter 81
 
Yesterday, I woke up at eight a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A deranged taxi driver from Beijing kidnapped a teenager and kept her imprisoned in his house to use as a sex slave. The poor girl's ordeal lasted for two weeks before the police finally rescued her. Big Brother blamed pornography for the man's bestial behavior. It seems that watching people fornicate led him down a dark path.

I stepped into my spacious shower. The hot water felt great as it pounded against my flab, and I thought about a porn queen named Jada Fire. Jada is a black woman with a huge set of tits and dark nipples the size of silver dollars. Before long, I had a throbbing Woodrow. I jerked off using plenty of shampoo and conditioner for maximum comfort. I blew my load in less than five minutes. My orgasm was quite explosive. I really had a good time.

Later that morning, I talked to one of my old friends on Facebook. Facebook is illegal here on the mainland, but I have a VPN which allows me to work around the law. Anyway, my buddy's name is Dave, and he's a hapless lib-tard who is buying into all of this Russian collusion bullshit.

I said, "I can't hold it against you. Back in the day, I fell hook, line, and sinker for the lie regarding Saddam's weapons of mass destruction. It took me years to come to grips with the truth. Thousands of young innocent Americans got their nuts shot off due to that fish story, so I'm not going to judge anybody."

He said, "The only one falling for a con is you. Trump is the biggest conman of them all, and now Attorney General Bill Barr is carrying his water."

"But Bill Barr is a former toady for the Bush family. He doesn't even like Donald Trump. Do you think he'd lay his reputation on the line to protect an orange billionaire whom he despises?"

"Yes. He's an elitist. He doesn't even believe that a sitting president can be found guilty of obstruction of justice."

"But how could Orange Donald have obstructed justice if there was no collusion in the first place?"

"It's possible. He got in the way of an ongoing investigation. Plus Barr won't release the original report. All we know comes from his four-page letter."

"That's just more fake news. The report is going to be released by the middle of April--if not sooner."

"But it'll be heavily redacted."

"To protect the grand jury--which is the law."

"Something just doesn't smell right."

"Do you think Robert Mueller is in on it, too? I mean, if his words are being twisted, then why hasn't he spoken out?"

"I never said Mueller is part of the conspiracy."

Dave kept ranting and raving like a liberal madman. But I used to be a stubborn blockhead, too. I had been told so many lies by the government and the media regarding Iraq that my brain had become twisted. For instance, I had been a hundred-percent sure that Saddam was manufacturing nuclear weapons in a bunker under the desert sand, and no motherfucker on the planet was going to tell me any different.

I went shopping with my wife and son in the afternoon. We took a Didi to Sam's Club. The Dragon Lady has a strange style when it comes to purchasing groceries. She buys enough to last for an entire month--which is fine by me. I'm not putting her down. It's just that I'm no longer a spring chicken, and it's getting harder and harder to carry all that shit.

But I didn't complain. She's been packing me a delicious lunch every day comprised of bacon sandwiches and potato chips. These meals also come with a Coke. Eating good food has made me a happier man. I don't want to ruin it by pissing her off.

Later that night, we went to a restaurant and ate golden-brown Peking duck. What you do is wrap the meat with onions and sauce in a razor-thin fajita and then pop it into your mouth. Talk about delicious.

We got home at 10 p.m. I watched a film called Alien Covenant. I had seen it before, but it hadn't left much of an impression. I could barely remember a thing. Don't get me wrong. It's not a bad film; it's simply forgettable. I hope my writing isn't like that. I enjoy making an impression.

I fell asleep at midnight. I slept like the dead.     

Thursday, March 28, 2019

Homophobe


 
 
Chapter 80

          Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A Chinese company was making a hefty profit producing maps of the world and selling them to western countries. However, those in charge were guilty of one huge mistake. They used the word Taiwan instead of China on their merchandise, prompting Big Brother to take quick action. The government seized and destroyed over 27,000 maps. Needless to say, the business was forced to eat the loss of revenue. Taiwan is a huge deal on the mainland. It’s unwise to call the island an independent nation.

          I stepped into my spacious shower. The hot water felt heavenly as it slammed against my flabby body. I briefly thought about jerking off, but I simply didn’t have the energy. It’s not easy being fifty. My bones creak, and I have hair as thick as wires growing out of my ears. Getting older isn’t for pussies.

          I walked downstairs to the kitchen. I had oatmeal and granola for breakfast. The meal was pleasing. I’m a huge fan of granola. It’s both crunchy and delicious.

          The Dragon Lady said, “Da people at you school asshoes!”

          I said, “Why are they asshoes?”

          “Dey never wave to me. Dey walk by rike I some kind of ghost. It not porite.”

          “They don’t know who you are.”

          “But dey meet me many time at da parties.”

          “I understand. However, you have black hair and black eyes and tan skin, so you look like everybody in China.”

          “You da lacist.”

          “I’m not a racist. When I’m standing next to you, they wave. But when I’m not standing nearby, they ignore you. Why do you think that is? All Asians look alike…especially in an Asian country. Trust me. If you lived in a black neighborhood, everybody would know your name.”

          I walked to work with Rice-Boy Larry. We got to the school at 7:30 a.m., and I called my mother using WeChat.

          I said, “How’s my sister’s hemorrhoids?”

          She said, “Well, the operation is complete, and she’s feeling a little better.”

          “That’s good. She’ll probably be back on her feet in no time.”

          “I’m not sure. She’s still in a lot of pain. It’s a day-by-day ordeal.”

          “I often wonder how gay men can stick stuff up their asses. It seems like such a sensitive part of the body.”

          “Well, you need to quit being so homophobic.”

          “Are you crazy? I enjoy making fun of the fags. Why in the world would I want to stop?”

          “It turns out that your nephew Hank just came out of the closet.”

          “Hank’s a homo? But the kid’s only fifteen. How does he even know?”

          “It is what it is.”

          “Is his dad OK with the news?”

          “The poor guy’s in tears.”

          “Well, it’s not the end of the world. God bless the kid. These things happen.”

          “Just be careful what you say in front of your sister. Her family is still struggling with the issue.”

          “Gotcha. No need to worry about me. I’ll keep my opinions to myself.”

          I attended a faculty meeting later in the day. One of my bosses said that scolding children isn’t a good idea. It only makes them mean. Instead, we should ignore their bad behavior and get on with our lessons. His message wasn’t very popular with the teachers. Yet I understand his motive. One of our educators keeps screaming at the children. I’m not a big fan of constantly raising one’s voice. It only makes the classroom more chaotic.

          I got home at 6 p.m. and watched Tucker Carlson. Mueller recently released his findings on Russian collusion, and I’m happy to report that my president is not a spy for the Kremlin. I knew this from the very beginning. The entire issue was nothing more than fake news.

          I went to bed at 10 p.m. I slept like the dead.

Sunday, March 24, 2019

Edgy Queen

 
Chapter 79
 
Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. The communists are currently cracking down on the Muslim minority in northwest China. Millions continue to be placed in reeducation centers in order to learn how to be better citizens.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not an eye witness to any of this bullshit. I live in Beijing, and I'm completely surrounded by the Han Chinese. According to Big Brother, the Han are the greatest race of people ever produced by Mother Nature and are completely without sin. I get all my information from the corrupt un-Han foreign press. So take it for what it's worth.

Later that morning, I got into a fight with my wife.

She said, "Do you know book called Filthy Beast? I find on internet."

I said, "No."

"It on Wattpad. You know da Wattpad?"

"No."

"I not berieve you."

"Why not? Is my name on the novel?"

"No."

"Well, there you go."

"You not good man. I your wife. I crean you ass for twenty year. Evelyting you lite is bullshit. You are riar."

"Were you snooping in my computer? That's not right. You should respect my privacy."

"So you did lite da book!"

"No, I didn't say any such thing."

"I could divorce you. Da judge take my side."

"Do what you gotta do. Just leave Larry with me."

She dropped the subject and started vacuuming. The Dragon Lady responds well to the written word. She's much less emotional when she reads. Conversely, the spoken word drives her to the point of lunacy. She should have married a deaf man. Communicating in sign language would do her a world of good.

At 1 p.m., we caught a Didi to a shopping center. Then we ate a delicious lunch comprised of duck, egg rolls, fried rice, and noodles. The final price tag for this feast was twenty-eight dollars. You can't beat that with a stick. It's the magic of China.

After stuffing our faces, we went to a movie. We watched a film called Bohemian Rhapsody. It's about a famous rock band named Queen. The movie made me very sad. Like Freddy Mercury, my uncle died of AIDS back in 1991. I remember him hugging his estranged father just before he passed away. The memory breaks my heart.

Later that night, I took Rice-Boy Larry to a PlayStation store. He bought a popular cowboy game.

He said, "You can't play this on the regular PlayStation console. You need PlayStation Plus."

"Do you have PlayStation Plus?"

"Yes."

"Look, son, I'm not being a dick, but all this technology stuff gives me a headache. Let's change the subject."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Are you hungry?"

He nodded.

"Do you want to go to Papa John's?"

"OK."

We both ordered pepperoni pies. Meanwhile, the Dragon Lady had shrimp spaghetti.

I said, "Look at me, son. I'm eating my pizza with a knife and fork. I'm an edgy queen just like Freddy Mercury. Isn't that wonderful, darling?"

He said, "Stop calling me darling."

"But I'm an edgy queen. All the edgy queens say darling. Are you trying to cramp my style?"

My wife sighed. "You fadda da idiot."

We got home at 9 p.m. I viewed several episodes of Vikings. I envy men like Ragnar Lothbrok. His life was very simple. He killed his enemies without mercy and shagged beautiful women in his spare time. He didn't go through life carrying shitloads of emotional baggage. Good for him. 

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Poor Asians

 
Chapter 78
 
Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. An elementary teacher from Beijing became angry at his second-grade class. So he told the kids to slap themselves on the face forty-nine times to make amends for their naughty behavior. They did as he asked. When they went home that afternoon, their cheeks were red and puffy. The educator was fired the very next day.

I stepped into my spacious shower. The hot water felt marvelous as it pounded against my blubber. I thought about one of my former Korean coworkers. She's a skinny woman with no tits and a flat ass. But I find her very attractive, anyway. I jerked off using plenty of shampoo and conditioner for maximum comfort. I shot my load in less than five minutes. My orgasm was quite explosive. I really had a good time.

I dried my body with a tiny towel. After that, I walked to the kitchen and ate breakfast. I had oatmeal with a layer of granola on top. The food was delicious. I'm a real nature boy.

I walked to work with Rice-Boy Larry.

I said, "American Granny bought you some type of Nintendo bullshit."

He smiled. "Can you be more specific?"

"Sorry, senator, but I don't know much about modern-day gaming systems."

"Is it called a Switch?"

"I think that's right. A Switch."

He pumped his fist in the air. Larry loves all of that video-game nonsense.

I said, "Your brother is bringing it with him when he flies to Korea."

He pumped his fist in the air one more time.

I like it when my child is happy. It's not easy living with me and the Dragon Lady. Every day is an emotional roller-coaster ride. Our family has never known peace. With that said, I truly believe that my wife suffers from borderline personality disorder. This constant strife is all about mental illness.

I got to work at 7:30 a.m. I called my mother using WeChat.

She said, "How's life?"

I said, "Something weird happened. I have a Chinese buddy named Wang, and he recently yelled at one of the white bosses. Then, unbeknownst to me, he submitted his resignation. So I told him to visit the big Chinese supervisor and apologize."

"I wouldn't have done that. If he wants to quit, then so be it. Let him go. It's none of your business."

"Do you want to hear the story or not?"

"Sorry. Go ahead."

"Anyway, he tells the principal that he doesn't want to work for the current douchebag and that I should be given this douchebag's job. The principal then insulted me. He said that I'm a talented guy. However, he also said that I'm lazy and that my life is out of harmony."

"That's not true. You're not lazy."

"But that's not the point. This meeting had nothing to do with me. My name should have never passed their lips."

"Well, you've learned a valuable lesson. Mind your own fucking business."

"You're a wise woman, Mom."

My day at work went well. I have a student named Tom. He's an eighteen-year-old boy who is skinnier than a toothpick. He also has the biggest set of teeth that I've ever seen. In fact, they're so big that he can barely close his lips. But looks aren't everything. Tom's a great kid.

He said, "I heard that Americans are very racist toward the Chinese."

I said, "That's all nonsense. America is the least racist country in the world, and the Chinese do very well. In fact, I've never met a poor Asian who lives in the United States." I thought about my comment for a moment. "Scratch that. The only poor Asians I've ever met are the ones who married white men."

He laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm glad that I brought some joy into his life.

I got home at 5 p.m. I watched several episodes of Vikings. It's one of my favorite shows. Then I went to bed at 10 p.m. I slept like the dead.

Thursday, March 21, 2019

Dracula


 
 
Chapter 77

          Last night, I watched porno on my laptop. I really love the Italian classic films. I viewed an X-rated version of Dracula that was wonderful. All the female stars were very beautiful, and most of them were quite willing to take it in the ass—which is a definite plus in my book. After getting my fill, I jerked off in the bathroom. My orgasm was explosive. I really had a good time.

          I slept at 10 p.m. I dreamt about a lawyer I knew in Korea. His name was Bill, and he was a graduate of Harvard University. We struck up a conversation next to a coffee machine.

          I said, “Wow. You decided to grow a mustache. It looks great.”

          He said, “Thanks.”

          “How’s your life been going?”

          “God is good. That heart attack killed me, but now I’m in heaven.” He chuckled loudly. “Are you having fun in China?”

          “Yeah. It’s not bad. Better than Korea.”

          Bill became defensive. “I like Korea. This country is very safe.”

          “So is China. All the criminals get a bullet in the back of the head.”

          We laughed and laughed.

          I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A mother from Beijing got very angry at her son, so she killed his dog by throwing it out of the apartment window. The kid became enraged. He murdered the woman with a meat cleaver. Fortunately, he’s only thirteen years old and not deemed responsible for his actions under Chinese law. Consequently, he won’t be punished by the powers that be. The boy caught a lucky break. Good for him.

          I took a quick shower. The water felt great as it blasted against my blubber. After that, I dried off with a tiny towel and went downstairs to the kitchen. I had oatmeal and granola for breakfast. It tasted great.

          I walked to school with Rice-Boy Larry.

          I said, “Do you like China?”

          He said, “Not really.”

          “Why?”

          “I’m Korean.”

          “But you got to admit that the food’s much better over here.”

          “I don’t have to admit anything. I like rice and kimchi a lot better than greasy noodles.”

          I got to work at 7:30 a.m. I attended a morning meeting about the importance of enthusiasm. I can’t remember a fucking word that the speaker said. I’m not big into pep talks. Neither is Tom Brady, and he’s the greatest of all time. That should tell us something.

          Later in the day, I talked with my favorite Chinese coworker.

          I said, “Listen, Wang, you’re flying too close to the sun.”

          He shot me a puzzled look. “What does that mean?”

          “You’re coming late to all the meetings, and yesterday you yelled at the boss.”

          “I already told you, Buffalo. I don’t care about this job. I can get another one.”

          “But you’re not thinking about me and the other teachers. We like you. Your antics bring joy to our lives. We don’t want to see you get fired. Tone it down a little—for our sake.”

          “I’m not going to get fired. I’m indispensable.”

          “You know the old saying. The graveyard is filled with indispensable people.”

          “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. This school needs me.”

          My day at work went well. The 12th graders studied English grammar and vocabulary. I put them in groups so that they could talk to their friends as they worked.

          One of my students said, “Do you think that Trump will win again?”

          I said, “Probably.”

          She looked very disappointed. “Why?”

          “Well, have you seen the newest democratic hopeful?”

          “No.”

          “His name is Beto O’Rourke, and he’s literally mentally ill. You should see this dullard speak. It’s outrageous. The poor guy can’t stop his hands from flying around like a couple of wounded birds. He was also involved in a hit and run accident while under the influence of alcohol. Trust me. Beto isn’t going to resonate well with the white working class.”

          I got home at 5 p.m. and watched a show called Vikings. I viewed several episodes. I finally went to bed at 10 p.m. I slept like the dead.

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Woke


 
 
Chapter 76

          Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Prostitution is against the law in China, and those who pay for sex can spend up to twenty-four months in a reeducation camp without being charged with a crime. I like pussy as much as the next guy. But Big Brother scares the crap out of me. I follow the rules here on the mainland. Those who step out of line put themselves at risk.

          I took a quick shower. The hot water felt heavenly as it blasted against my blubber, and I briefly thought about spanking my monkey. However, I couldn’t get it up. I had just jerked off the night before, and my Johnson was in obvious need of a rest. I’m simply not the man I used to be.

          I dried off with a tiny towel. Then I walked downstairs and ate breakfast. I had oatmeal with granola on top. The meal tasted great.

          Rice-Boy Larry said, “I have a science test today.”

          “I was never any good in that subject.”

          “Did you know that cow farts contain methane? These animals are destroying our planet. Ms. Smith believes that eating meat should be outlawed by the government.”

          “Which government?”

          He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know.”

          “Your teacher is a liberal loon. I wouldn’t listen to a word she says.”

          “How will I pass the class if I don’t listen?”

          I nodded. “Good point. Kiss her ass and get an A.”

          Ms. Smith is a young woman with pink hair. She also has a nose ring and a tattoo of a butterfly on her calf. Ms. Smith is woke—whatever the fuck that means.

          I got to work at 7:30 a.m. We had a meeting about teamwork. I consider myself a good team player. I never complain, and I do my job to the best of my ability. Plus I try my damnedest to get along with my coworkers.

          Later that morning, I called my mother using WeChat.

          I said, “I was pissing my pants with fear yesterday.”

          “Why?”

          “I kept trying to call Ken, but he wouldn’t answer.”

          “He said that he never heard the phone ring.”

          “I don’t believe him for a second.”

          “Well, there’s nothing to worry about. He’s fine.”

          “When did you get home?”

          “Just a few hours ago.”

          “How’s Sis’s asshole?”

          “Painful. It turns out that she does have hemorrhoids after all. She has them both internally and externally. Plus she has a tear in her anus. But she can’t get the surgery until next Tuesday.”

          “Did they give her painkillers?”

          “Just codeine. The doctors are afraid of opioids.”

          “Why? She’s not a junkie.”

          “Well, things have changed since the opioid crisis. They hold onto that medicine as if it were their balls.”

          “Fuckers. Why should the innocent have to suffer along with the guilty?”

          My day at work went well. I told the students about my Facebook account.

          I said, “I have 5,000 friends. That’s the limit. Mark Zuckerberg won’t let me have anymore.”

          A girl named Trish said, “How many of them have you actually met.”

          “Less than a hundred.”

          Trish crinkled her nose. “But that’s not real friendship.”

          “I don’t know. But I will tell you this. One of my Facebook friends is a bartender from Indiana. He’s an elderly gentleman in his late sixties. Anyway, he started feeling blue around Christmas and wrote what looked to be a suicide note. He then disappeared for roughly two weeks. I thought he was dead. When he turned up again, I was overjoyed. I’ve never actually met the guy, but I feel like I know him.”

          She nodded. “I guess it’s natural to form these types of relationships.”

          I got home at 5 p.m. I watched Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace. Chris claims that many are blaming Trump for the tragic slaughter of Muslims in New Zealand. I laughed and laughed and laughed. What a smelly crock of shit. My president isn’t a white supremacist. Nor is he a Nazi. I’m so tired of fake news.

          I jerked off at ten p.m. Then I went to bed and slept like a baby.

Friday, March 15, 2019

My Sister's Anus


 
 
Chapter 75

          Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A deranged fifty-nine-year-old man from Henan Province attacked a bunch of elementary students with his fists. When the police finally arrived, he asked them to kill him. There are lots of lunatics in this country who attack schools. They are always making headlines.

          I took a quick shower. The hot water felt great as it slapped against my blubber, but the thought of masturbation never once crossed my mind. Why? It’s now my policy to jerk off before going to bed. I find that this new schedule is much more efficient.

          I dried off with a tiny towel and walked to the kitchen. I ate oatmeal and granola for breakfast. The meal tasted great.

          The Dragon Lady said, “Rarry have da asthma.”

          “Who told you?”

          “Nobody tole me. I his mudda. His bleathing sound funny. It vely scary.”

          Rice-Boy Larry said, “I don’t have asthma. I’m getting over a bad cold. That’s why I wheeze.”

          “We need to see docta.”

          “I don’t need a doctor. I saw one not too long ago.”

          I said, “Let’s monitor the situation. If things don’t get better in a few days, we can always reevaluate our options.”

          They both nodded. I ate the rest of my food in peace.

          I arrived at work at 7:30 a.m. We had a morning meeting. I can’t remember a word that anybody said.

          I talked to one of my Chinese co-workers. He’s a clown who brings joy to my life. But lately he’s been poking the bear for some unknown reason. For instance, he comes late to work every morning just to aggravate the boss. And he often rolls his eyes while insulting his supervisors.

          I said, “You need to cool it with that bullshit. You’re going to get fired.”

          He shrugged. “First of all, they can’t fire me. I do all the crap that nobody else wants to do—which makes me indispensable. Secondly, I could get another job just as good as this in a heartbeat. I’m not worried.”

          “OK. OK. If that’s how you feel, then so be it. I just don’t want to lose you. You’re a laugh a minute.”

          I called my mother using WeChat.

          She said, “It turns out that your sister doesn’t have hemorrhoids.”

          “Well, that’s certainly good news.”

          “Not really. She has a tear in the lining of her anus, and she needs surgery to repair the damage.”

          “Holy shit. How did that happen?”

          “The doctors believe that she should use stool softener as often as possible. Her ass is getting too old to handle constipation.”

          “Wow. Life’s not for pussies.”

          Later in the day, I had a meeting with our college guidance counselor. He’s an ethnic Korean who makes his living gaming the system so that our students can go to top-ranked universities. He’s paid extremely well. It’s good work if you can find it.

          He said, “You know, one of my clients only scored a thousand on his SAT. I’m so good that he eventually got accepted into the University of California at Davis.”

          “Is that an elite school?”

          “Damn tooting it is.”

          “How can I get my kid into a great school?”

          “What do you make a year?”

          I told him.

          He said, “Hard work and prayer.

          I didn’t get offended. In fact, I laughed and laughed and laughed. I’ve known for a long time that the system is rigged. But I’m a born-again Christian, so I don’t have to live within the paradigm set by society. All those hell-bound go-getters can go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut for all I care.

          I got home at 5 p.m. I watched the NBA. The Warriors defeated the Rockets by two points. I finally went to bed at 10 p.m. I slept like the dead.

Monday, March 11, 2019

Captain Marvel


 
 
Chapter 74

          Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A taxi driver from Henan Province recently murdered a flight attendant. She was only twenty-one years old. After committing the crime, he killed himself with a knife by the side of a river. A judge has now ordered the man’s parents to pay $92,000 for the purpose of restitution. Making mom and dad responsible for the deeds of their son sounds strange to my ears. But this is China, and things are different over here. How Big Brother handles justice is simply none of my business.

          The Dragon Lady pounded on the door. “Hully up. We go to see da movie.”

          “I need to take a shower. My anus will get itchy if I don’t.”

          Rice-Boy Larry decided to share his opinion on the matter. “C’mon, Dad. Don’t take forever. This film is going to be great.”

          “What’s the name of it?”

          Captain Marvel.”

          “OK. OK. I’ll be as fast as I can.”

          So I washed my filthy body as quickly as possible before drying off with a tiny towel. Then we caught a Didi to the subway station. Our first stop took us to a swanky shopping mall where we ate lunch. Rice-Boy Larry had a double cheeseburger from Carl’s Jr. while I ate French fries and onion rings. The meal was delicious.

          I said, “I’m thinking about smoking again. I really miss all that smooth tobacco pleasure.”

          My wife said, “Why you not shut da fucken mouth? You tawk bullshit all da time. I not want dat stinky smell in da apartment.”

          “I still dream about smoking.”

          “I not care.”

          I often pray that the Dragon Lady will die. Perhaps she'll fall down and snap her neck. Or maybe she’ll have a massive heart attack. After that, I’ll take her corpse to a cut-rate funeral home and have it burned. Then I will place her ashes in a coffee can. In fact, I’ll use that can to extinguish my cigarettes.  Unfortunately, her people seem to live forever, and I’m sure that I’ll expire years before she stops breathing. But a man can always dream.

          We took the metro to yet another swanky plaza. This place had a cinema on the fifth floor. It turned out that the movie was a 3-D affair. We were given a set of black horn-rimmed glasses upon entering the screening room.

          Don’t bother wasting your time with Captain Marvel. This flick is a complete fucking drag. The protagonist is an angry lesbian who beats up men with her fiery fists of fury. She uses her weapons to protect a race of people known as the Scrolls. The Scrolls can’t find a homeland due to racism, so they need a liberal superwoman to protect them. Captain Marvel is a snooze fest.

          Later that evening, we walked to Korea Town. My wife bought a bunch of snacks from her home country. She spent fifty dollars on a sugary cereal called Jolly Pong. I wasn’t angry. I love Jolly Pong.

          We arrived home at 9 p.m. I watched the Lakers play the Celtics on my big fabulous television set. The announcers pissed me off. They intimated that the Lakers were lazy men who refused to play defense. But here’s the truth. The Lakers had a great trio with Lebron James, Brandon Ingraham, and Lonzo Ball. When they were healthy, the squad was kicking ass. Sadly, injuries have ruined their season.

          I got a little depressed as the evening wore on, thinking about the taste of the public when it comes to entertainment. A piece of shit like Captain Marvel will always do better than Filthy Beast: The Diary of an English Teacher in South Korea. And I simply don’t know why. My tome is much more intelligent and entertaining than that example of mindless filth.

          I dozed off at eleven p.m. I slept like the dead.

Friday, March 8, 2019

The Token Asian


 
 
Chapter 73

          Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while enjoying a nasty shit. A lady from Hebei Province let her three-year-old son take a piss on a public bus. The driver got angry. He turned around and called them both uncivilized. This insult really seemed to bother her. She attacked him physically even though the vehicle was still moving. To his credit, he remained calm and pulled over to the side of the road. The police arrived quickly to arrest the woman. Public urination and defecation are common in China. I’ve witnessed several young children crapping on the sidewalk. It’s gross, but you get used to it.

          I stepped into my spacious shower. The hot water felt glorious as it pounded against my blubber, and I started thinking about a Japanese porn star named Sora Aoi. Sora is on the cover of my first book, Filthy Beast: The Diary of an English Teacher in South Korea. Needless to say, it wasn’t long till I popped a Woodrow. I jerked off using plenty of shampoo and conditioner for maximum comfort. I shot my load in less than five minutes. My orgasm was quite explosive. I really had a good time.

          I walked downstairs to an empty kitchen. I made my own breakfast because the Dragon Lady is currently ill after catching Larry’s bug. I prepared oatmeal with granola on top. It tasted delicious. I really like granola. All that crunchy goodness makes me happy. I’m turning into a nature boy.

          I walked to work by my lonesome. I got to school at 7:30 a.m. and called Ken the Chicken Man using WeChat.

          He said, “I’m taking your advice. I’m going to attend a college near American Granny’s house. That way, I won’t have to pay for a dorm. I can save money.”

          “Smart thinking, son! Did you know that it only takes two years to get licensed as a registered nurse? You can complete the bachelor’s degree as you work. Some hospitals will even pay for it.”

          “I still want to take the MCAT after I complete my schooling. My dream is to become an anesthesiologist. They get paid a fortune.”

          “Son, go break a 1300 hundred on your SAT. Then we can talk about medical school.”

          “You shouldn’t be negative.”

          “I’m not. I’m a realist. All the doctors I know were great students who enjoyed studying.”

          “I’m a great student. I get all A’s.”

          “That’s true. But you hate to open your books. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m a little lazy, too. So go bust a 1300 hundred like I said. After that, I’ll be able to take you a little more seriously.”

          I love Ken a lot, and I don’t care what he does for a living. I’m not a tiger dad. But I like to keep things real. He goes to school with a bunch of Texas hillbillies, and I think his grades are a little inflated due to the fact that he’s surrounded by dullards. Somebody’s got to make an A, so why not Ken? He is, after all, the token Asian.

          My day at work went well. We’re almost done with the unit on civil rights, and thank God for that. The kids are tired of hearing about America during the 1960s. In fact, Chinese teenagers don’t give a rat’s ass about the struggle for liberty. They seem perfectly happy living in a fascist country. And bully for them. Besides, it’s none of my fucking business. I’m not here to indoctrinate the youth.

          I got home at 5 p.m. and watched Tucker Carlson. The progressive left in America is filled to the brim with anti-Semites. Many won’t even publicly state that Israel has the right to exist. I fear that my country is becoming more and more godless as each minute passes. But what’s a boy to do?

          Then I viewed a match between Manchester United and PSG. The French squad got screwed in the ass by the powers that be when Manchester was awarded a bogus penalty kick with no time left on the clock. The game was a real crock of shit that stunk to high heaven.

          I went to bed at 10 p.m. I slept like the dead.

Thursday, March 7, 2019

American Petite Bourgeoisie

 
 
Chapter 72

          Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Big Brother has been blocking the internet for the past several days, so I wasn’t able to read the South China Morning Post while enjoying my morning bowel movement. Instead, I was forced to get my news from Yahoo. A crazy Czechoslovakian thought that owning a couple of lions and keeping them as pets was a good idea. Well, you guessed it. The animals got hungry and decided to eat him. I feel sorry for the cats. They were both shot to death in order to recover the remains of their retarded owner. Some people are just too stupid to live.

          I stepped into my spacious shower. I’m no longer sleeping with the Dragon Lady, so I briefly thought about spanking my monkey. But I was just too tired to jerk off. I’m getting older, and my Johnson isn’t as reliable as it used to be.

          I dried off with a tiny towel and walked downstairs. I ate cold pizza for breakfast. The pie came from Dominoes. It was delicious. I’m a huge fan of junk food.

          Rice-Boy Larry wasn’t feeling very well, so he had an appointment later in the day to see a doctor. Consequently, I walked to work by myself. I got to school at 7:30 a.m. We had a morning meeting, but I can’t remember a word that anybody said.

          I called Ken the Chicken Man using WeChat.

          I said, “Are you happy about coming to Korea this summer?”

          “Yeah, I really want to drive.”

          “Drive?”

          “Korean Granny’s Audi. It’s awesome. I’d also like to try out my aunt’s Jaguar.”

          “Sometimes, I think you’re crazy. They aren’t gonna let you drive their cars. Start getting a clue.”

          “You wait and see. I’m going to drive all over that peninsula.”

          I decided not to argue with him, so I dropped the subject.

          I said, “How’s life at Chick-Fil-A?”

          He said, “Things are OK. I just got my tax return. The government sent me five hundred dollars. Plus I have another four hundred in the bank. I’m bringing it to Korea.”

          I’m a very macho guy. In fact, I haven’t shed a tear in over forty-three years. But I must tell the truth. The thought of seeing my son makes me a little emotional. We talk every day, but technology just isn’t the same as face to face contact. It sucks being an expat. The kids always want to return to their home country. If I had the whole thing to do over again, I’d have remained a member of the American petite bourgeoisie. But, as the poem says, the moving finger writes and having writ moves on.

          Later in the day, I read several poems with the 12th grade. The theme present in the works was the struggle for civil rights. But most of my students had no interest in the subject matter. They groaned and complained.

          A boy named Titus said, “Enough of this already. Let’s do Shakespeare.”

          I said, “OK. OK. But everybody in this room wants to live in America. Therefore, you have to know how to act around people who aren’t Han Chinese. Lots of you are culturally insensitive.”

          Titus said, “We’ll figure all that crap out when we move to the States.”

          I got home at 5 p.m. and watched Tucker Carlson. The FBI report states that Trump never colluded with the Russians. Our president is not a traitor. However, several democrats now want to crucify him for other crimes against the people. The whole thing makes me sick.

          I went to sleep at 10 p.m. I crashed on the sofa. I dreamt about defecating on the floor of a Burger King restaurant. The patrons became very angry and pelted me with sandwich wrappers. But I just laughed and laughed and laughed. I really had a good time.