Saturday, February 16, 2019

Itching and Scratching

Chapter 66

          Yesterday, I took my family to Papa John’s for dinner. I’m one of those assholes who enjoys eating his pizza with a knife and fork. I don’t know why, but it just seems to taste better that way. And it wasn’t long before the Dragon Lady began breaking my balls.

          “Rook at you fadda. He such da idiot. He cut da pizza rike a letard. You daddy have a vely row IQ.”

          Larry said, “I wish our family could be normal.”

          I said, “How do you mean?”

          “You guys just fight all the time, and I never get to see my brother. He lives thousands of miles away.”

          “Son, we’re not as abnormal as you might think.”

          He laughed. “What are you talking about? Your marriage is awful. You two were never meant to be together.”

          “Count your blessings. Half the babies in America are born illegitimate. Did you know that? And, in the African-American community, that statistic is well over seventy percent.”

          “So? What does that have to do with me?”

          “Their lives are worse than yours.”

          “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

          “Yes.” I paused for dramatic effect. “Furthermore, fifty percent of the marriages in the United States end in divorce. Earth is a planet filled with misery.”


          “Right now, some poor kid in Africa is being eaten by a lion, and you’re not! You should celebrate. You’re one of the lucky ones, Larry. Life’s rough, and it’s often not a lot of fun. So you have to toughen up, or you’ll lose your mind.”

          “What about my brother?”

          “He’s an adult, son. Ken’s old enough to vote, smoke cigarettes, and view pornography. He’s trying to make his own way in the world these days. But you can call him using WeChat. He’d love to hear from you. It’s the magic of technology.”

          After eating, we went to a grocery store. Usually, I bitch a lot during these excursions. Why? It takes the Dragon Lady hours to purchase our vittles. She browses endlessly through the aisles. But I decided to keep my mouth shut. In the future, I want to give Rice-Boy Larry a little more peace in his life.

          My wife bought a month’s worth of food. The final bill came to four hundred dollars, and I had to fight the urge to complain yet again. We had so much shit that it was very hard to carry it all to the taxi stand. Nevertheless, I bit my tongue and smiled like a retarded child. I’m wonderful that way.

          We got home at seven p.m., and I sat on the sofa with Larry.

          “Look, son. That was pretty normal, wasn’t it? Your mom and I didn’t fight one time.”

          “You yelled at each other in Pappa John’s.”

          “Well, old habits are hard to break. But I’m trying, so cut me some slack.”

          My wife brought me a bowl of strawberry ice cream, and I watched several episodes of Game of Thrones as I relaxed like a king. Usually, I’m not into all that fantasy bullshit. However, I’m in love with the sex and the violence which are featured so prominently in the show. My favorite part is when the dragons cook their enemies alive with their fiery breath.

          I turned to the Dragon Lady. “Why are you being so nice? You haven’t called me a cunt in nearly twelve hours.”

          She didn’t answer.

          Then we walked upstairs to the bedroom and had sex. Just like that. Our last encounter had been way back in July, and I must admit that I spurted like a geyser in less than fifteen minutes. My wife is getting older, but she’s still a very attractive woman. Sadly, she’s a loon, and the only thing which will truly help her is a good psychiatrist. I expect her demons to return in a couple of days. It won’t be long until she’s chasing me around the apartment with a meat cleaver again.

          On a side note…I must be pretty good at sex. After we finished, she told me where she had hidden my ball cream. And I’m glad to report that my testicles feel wonderful. No more itching and scratching. Good for me.


  1. the book of the beast saith unto our hearts:
    Earth is a planet filled with misery


    and when we turneth to the book of the Elasticenes and chapter 8, how it goes:

    There's something meaningless on planet earth:
    the righteous get what the wicked deserve,
    and the wicked get what the righteous deserve.
    This is meaningless and it is on planet Earth.

    But me, I enjoyment life, because
    there is nothing better under the sun
    than to eat and drink and fool around.
    Then joy goes with the toil all the days of the life
    y-h-v-h has given under the sun

    Even if the wise claim they know,
    they can't really comprehend it

    1. You need a blog doode. I basically come here for wisdom from the book of Exits, Elasticenes, and dunked basketballs without feet coming off ground. That is definite enlightenment.