Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Due to Beijing’s one child policy, lots of Chinese men can’t find wives. So they often turn to poor countries such as Cambodia and Vietnam to purchase a bride. It turns out that you can buy yourself an Asian girl for about ten thousand American dollars. Sadly, these women are often treated badly. And, to add insult to injury, they are frequently sold into these marriages by their very own families.
I stepped into my spacious shower. The hot water felt wonderful as it blasted against my blubber, and I began thinking about a porn star named Kitty Young. Kitty is a Chinese-American actress who doesn’t mind taking it up the ass—which is a definite plus in my book. I decided to beat my meat using plenty of shampoo and conditioner for maximum comfort. I blew my load in less than five minutes. My orgasm was quite explosive. I really had a good time.
Later in the morning, I walked to work with Rice-Boy Larry. I got to my classroom at 7:30 a.m. and called Ken the Chicken Man using WeChat.
He said, “I got the results back for my PSAT.”
I said, “How did you do?”
“I aced the math section, but I really screwed up on the English portion of the exam.”
“Well, son, you can’t be good at everything.”
“I guess I won’t be going to Harvard.”
“Don’t worry about that Harvard bullshit. Stick to your plans about becoming a nurse. Do you know how much an experienced nurse with a master’s degree makes?”
“$140,000 a year.”
“That’s some serious coin.”
“It's a beautiful thing.”
Ken handed the phone to my mother.
I said, “My boss is still pissed at me.”
“Are you talking about that jogging nonsense?”
“Son, you’re too old for that shit. How are you going to keep up with a bunch of teenagers when it comes to running?”
“He gave me an order, so I guess I’ll just go as slowly as possible.”
“Fuck his orders.”
“This comes straight from the Chinese government.”
“Do you actually believe that bullshit? Lots of teachers are little old ladies. What? They have to run laps, too? C’mon. Wake up and smell the coffee. Even Chairman Mao, himself, wouldn’t do something that stupid.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“It sounds to me that your school doesn’t have enough PE teachers to cover its nut. So they are picking some unlucky bastards such as yourself to make up for the shortage. Remember this. You’ve got two sons who rely on you. You need another trip to the hospital like a hole in the head.”
My mother is a very wise woman. And she’s absolutely right. I endured a six-day stint in a Korean hospital due to forced exercise. You can learn the details of the disaster in my first book.
Classes went well. Not much happened. We read a story about the voyage of the James Caird. The account of the journey was both harrowing and compelling. The kids seemed to enjoy it.
I got home at 5 p.m. and ate chicken for dinner. The meal came with crispy hot bread and plenty of Coca-Cola. It’s strange. People used to call me a hopeless alcoholic back in the day. I could literally drink an entire bottle of Scotch in one sitting. But quitting the hooch has been the easiest thing that I’ve ever done. There have been zero side effects. Go figure.