Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A kindergarten teacher from Beijing announced over social media that he’s a homosexual. Well, it turns out that being an out-of-the-closet queen isn’t such a good idea on the mainland. The parents went completely nuts after learning that he takes it in the ass, and he quickly lost his job. He’s currently suing the school for reinstatement. Yeah. Good luck with that.
I love my homosexual brothers and sisters with all my heart. And why not? People should be free to fuck whomever they wish. With that said, the queering of western culture is beginning to scare me. For instance, a recent article in a popular adolescent magazine gave instructions to teenage girls on how to have anal sex. That’s a bit sick in my opinion. I’ve never met a woman who likes it in the ass—which is no big surprise. Hell, even porno stars hate driving on the Hershey Highway. Most women perform this unpleasant task for the pleasure of men. So why are we normalizing this risky behavior? Well, the answer is simple. To appease the gay community.
I called Ken the Chicken Man using WeChat.
He said, “Chick-Fil-A is killing me.”
“I’m currently pulling six-hour shifts on Monday through Friday. Including school, I’m working sixteen hours a day.”
“You must be exhausted. That’s way too much. You need to keep it down to twenty hours per week.”
“I’m going to confront my manager this week. If he gives me any shit, I’ll quit.”
“Why use a word like confront?”
“You don’t have to confront the guy. Just talk to him. I’m sure he’s flexible.”
“You’re probably right.”
“I know I’m right. In fact, there’s no doubt in my mind. Manners and good breeding are in short supply these days. Be pleasant. You’ll have him eating right out of the palm of your hand in no time.”
At noon, my family and I caught the subway to Dr. Sexy’s office. The visit was painless. She simply fitted me for my new dentures. The frames are made out of metal. She will soon coat them with pink-colored soft rubber. I’m going to look wonderful with my brand-new choppers. Having a full set of teeth will make poor old Mr. Buffalo appear sophisticated. Good for me.
We caught a taxi to a large shopping mall. Rice-Boy Larry went ice skating. His ankles kept buckling from side to side. He’s not much of an athlete. Neither is Ken the Chicken Man. But that’s OK. I suck at sports, too.
I drank coffee at Starbucks with the Dragon Lady. She didn’t speak to me. My wife frequently gives me the silent treatment. But I don’t hold it against her. She’s mentally ill.
Later in the evening, we ate dinner at Dominoes Pizza. I had a medium thin-crust pepperoni pie. It tasted quite good.
At 8 p.m., I watched UFC 229 in the comfort of my luxury apartment. The main bout featured a fighter named Khabib. He submitted his opponent in the fourth round with a rear naked chokehold. Then he went completely crazy. He jumped out of the cage and started punching another man who was sitting in the audience. Maybe it was all just a publicity stunt.
I went to bed at 10 p.m. I slept like the dead.