Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A little boy recently got attacked by a pack of stray dogs. He’s currently undergoing painful reconstructive surgery. The internet is abuzz with the news. The citizens believe that the government should kill the strays to prevent the spread of disease. And I completely agree. I love dogs as much as the next guy, but rabies is an extremely dangerous illness. There’s a very small window to cure the condition. If you miss it, then you’re fucked with a capital f. You simply waste away and die.
I stepped into my spacious shower. I thought about a comedian named Lewis CK. He enjoys jerking off in front of women. I find human sexuality to be strange. Why would a guy get his rocks off by masturbating in front of others? And why do others get their jollies by licking people’s assholes? I briefly flirted with the idea of beating my meat, but these philosophical questions left me limp and puzzled.
I quickly dried off with one of my wife’s tiny towels. Then I walked downstairs and ate breakfast. I had oatmeal with granola. The meal was fantastic. I washed it down with a bottle of chilled water. Sometimes, water is the only drink which truly quenches my thirst.
I smiled at Rice-Boy Larry. “I had a weird dream last night.”
“What was it about?”
“Have you seen The Wizard of Oz?”
“Yes, I watched it with you.”
“I was fighting the Wicked Witch of the West with the stars of Supernatural.”
“Sam and Dean?”
“Yes. Bobby and Cass were there also. She kept kicking our asses.”
“That’s the dumbest show on television.”
“I agree, but I love it nevertheless.”
Later, I called Ken the Chicken man using WeChat.
I said, “How’s life a Chick-Fil-A? Did you lay down the law?”
He nodded. “I told them that I’m not doing over twenty hours a week.”
“What did they say.”
“They agreed with me.”
“Wow, look at you. I’m glad to see you sticking up for yourself. I couldn’t be prouder. Give them hell, boy.”
My day at work went well. During lunch, I talked to a boy named Sam. He’s a big fan of Major League Baseball. His dream is to play in the big leagues one day. Unfortunately, he only weighs 120 pounds. But I never dissuade the children. Life without the occasional fantasy is truly a drag.
He said, “Are you rooting for Los Angeles in the World Series?”
I said, “No.”
“Are you a Boston fan?”
“So you’re not pulling for either team?”
“That’s correct. I hate Boston and Los Angeles. Both those cities are filled with liberal loons, and I refuse to become part of the madness. I stopped watching after Houston lost.”
I got home at five p.m. and viewed Tucker Carlson on YouTube. Donald Trump recently referred to himself as a nationalist, and the entire left-wing media is now calling him a Nazi. That’s how crazy America has become. If you say that you love your country, you’re accused of being a genocidal maniac. I truly fear for our future. In fact, I’ve never been this afraid. I would hate to see China rise to the level of top dog.
I went to bed at 9 p.m. Unfortunately, I woke up at 3 a.m. I had to piss like a racehorse. I hope this isn’t a recurring event.