Monday, October 15, 2018

Kind Words

Chapter 21

          Yesterday, I woke up at 7 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A Chinese woman named Yang Kaili has a popular internet show on Weibo. She attracts millions upon millions of users to her podcast every day. Sadly, Yang is now in a little bit of hot water. She sang the national anthem without showing the proper amount of sincerity, so the powers that be threw her in jail for five days. No shit. The government doesn’t fuck around in this part of the world.

          I called my mom using WeChat.

          I said, “What’s that thing on your neck.”

          She said, “It’s a giant cyst. I’m getting it lanced on Wednesday.”

          “Does it hurt?”

          “It’s killing me.”

          “Anything else happening?”

          “Tomorrow, I’m taking Juan to the infectious disease specialist.”

          “How’s he doing?”

          “He’s OK. He’ll be eighty next month.”

          “Wow. The time sure does fly. I’m fifty fucking years old. I never thought it would happen in a million years.”

          “Well, being fifty is better than being dead.”

          Mom is a dirty atheist. She only believes in the here and now. None of that afterlife bullshit for her. However, I’m a firm believer in God and divine justice. One day, my poor old mother will be burning in a lake of fire. She’ll see me in heaven and ask for a cup of water. But I’ll be too busy drinking a milkshake and dancing the hokey-pokey.

          This is what I’ll say to the old girl: “Too fucking bad, Mom. You should have listened when you had the chance.”

          Rice-Boy Larry walked downstairs. He has a little Microsoft Surface computer. It also doubles as a pad. But the piece of shit is five years old, and it’s on its last legs. He couldn’t get it to work, so he wept like a girl.

          I said, “Don’t act like a little bitch. I just bought you a brand-new computer last summer.”

          His face turned red. “I’m not a bitch…you motherfucker.”

          I was stunned. “Did you call me a motherfucker?”

          “Yeah, but you said that I’m a bitch.”

          “Bitch in this case is a term of affection.”

          “How is bitch a term of affection? It’s a naughty word.”

          “It’s not a naughty word. They use it on television all the time.”

          “I don’t care. Let’s make a deal. If you don’t call me a bitch, then I won’t call you a motherfucker.”

          You know something. Maybe the kid is right. I like to fool around all the time. But lots of people don’t share my sense of humor. In the past, I’ve actually made people angry with my jokes. There’s a time to tease, and there’s a time to be serious. In the future, I must do my best to maintain that balance.

          We caught the subway to Dr. Sexy’s office. Once again, the work was painless. My false teeth are now mounted on the metal frame. She took measurements to make her final adjustments. I will finally get the finished product in another six days. Having a full set of choppers is going to be wonderful.

          Later, I watched several episodes of a new Netflix show. It’s called The Haunting of Hill House. The program is a loose adaptation of Shirley Jackson’s famous novel. Luke is a drug addict and Theodora is a lesbian. But the series is filled with thrills and chills. Shirley would’ve gotten a kick out of it.


  1. this episode of the 'blog is a good ensample of a biblical-oriented lesson plan unto salvific redemption of the inner man, amen.

    we are reminded of the new testimony where in the book of Lucas and chapter 16 it goes how the lazarenes are filthy beasts and they go around asking dogs to lick the juices that ooze from their sores. and also they lie about on the floor beside the rich people's tables and have their mouth open and when somebody drops some food, well, sometimes it goes into the lazarene's mouth. it could be ranch dip for the celery or else it could be the custard or whatever.

    so anyhows, the lazarenes when they die and rise up into the air upon the lofting of the angelic being, well, what they do is, they taunt the rich people in the torment of hades, which is the burning dump outside of the city. and when the rich people see the lazarenes, what with the angels and so forth and the heavenly gates and whatnot and the streets of gold and the fields of barley about which hath Sting fasioned melody, the rich dead people in the dirty dirty torment start to asking the lazarenes, saying, hey, hows about some water there? my thirst be not quenched here in the dirty dirty hellfire of torment.

    and this is where the lazaranes wind up and they throw the payoff pitch. and how it goes is, it that they say "I askethed though for the milkshake and thou gavethed me spittle from thine beard; I askethed for an helping hand to getteth up from the floor and thou didst dance the hokey-pokey; but now I am slaking with the sweetened ice-milk and I am hokeying and pokeying while you, you art a-tormented for unto all eternity in the dirty dirty filthy burning dump of refuse, amen."

    and if the rich man sayeth unto abraham (peace be upon him), I beggest thou to send a lazarene unto mine mother, for to warn her about being the rich man with the dogs that lick sores of lazarenes, then abraham (peace still to be upon him) replieth saying "who is your mother? and who are your brothers?

    see Matthias and chapter 12. or Marcus and chapter 3.

    so that is how this one is a powerful lesson plan for our atonement unto the highest, amen and amen.

    mucho ruvo