Yesterday, I woke up at 7 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A Chinese woman named Yang Kaili has a popular internet show on Weibo. She attracts millions upon millions of users to her podcast every day. Sadly, Yang is now in a little bit of hot water. She sang the national anthem without showing the proper amount of sincerity, so the powers that be threw her in jail for five days. No shit. The government doesn’t fuck around in this part of the world.
I called my mom using WeChat.
I said, “What’s that thing on your neck.”
She said, “It’s a giant cyst. I’m getting it lanced on Wednesday.”
“Does it hurt?”
“It’s killing me.”
“Anything else happening?”
“Tomorrow, I’m taking Juan to the infectious disease specialist.”
“How’s he doing?”
“He’s OK. He’ll be eighty next month.”
“Wow. The time sure does fly. I’m fifty fucking years old. I never thought it would happen in a million years.”
“Well, being fifty is better than being dead.”
Mom is a dirty atheist. She only believes in the here and now. None of that afterlife bullshit for her. However, I’m a firm believer in God and divine justice. One day, my poor old mother will be burning in a lake of fire. She’ll see me in heaven and ask for a cup of water. But I’ll be too busy drinking a milkshake and dancing the hokey-pokey.
This is what I’ll say to the old girl: “Too fucking bad, Mom. You should have listened when you had the chance.”
Rice-Boy Larry walked downstairs. He has a little Microsoft Surface computer. It also doubles as a pad. But the piece of shit is five years old, and it’s on its last legs. He couldn’t get it to work, so he wept like a girl.
I said, “Don’t act like a little bitch. I just bought you a brand-new computer last summer.”
His face turned red. “I’m not a bitch…you motherfucker.”
I was stunned. “Did you call me a motherfucker?”
“Yeah, but you said that I’m a bitch.”
“Bitch in this case is a term of affection.”
“How is bitch a term of affection? It’s a naughty word.”
“It’s not a naughty word. They use it on television all the time.”
“I don’t care. Let’s make a deal. If you don’t call me a bitch, then I won’t call you a motherfucker.”
You know something. Maybe the kid is right. I like to fool around all the time. But lots of people don’t share my sense of humor. In the past, I’ve actually made people angry with my jokes. There’s a time to tease, and there’s a time to be serious. In the future, I must do my best to maintain that balance.
We caught the subway to Dr. Sexy’s office. Once again, the work was painless. My false teeth are now mounted on the metal frame. She took measurements to make her final adjustments. I will finally get the finished product in another six days. Having a full set of choppers is going to be wonderful.
Later, I watched several episodes of a new Netflix show. It’s called The Haunting of Hill House. The program is a loose adaptation of Shirley Jackson’s famous novel. Luke is a drug addict and Theodora is a lesbian. But the series is filled with thrills and chills. Shirley would’ve gotten a kick out of it.