Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A Chinese man decided to fake his own death in order to escape his debts. To that end, he ran his car into a local river. He never told his wife or kids that he was still amongst the living. His spouse went crazy. She murdered her two children before finally committing suicide. After hearing the news, the man turned himself over to the police.
I stepped into my spacious shower. The hot water felt wonderful as it pounded against my blubber, and I briefly thought about jerking off. But I was just too tired. Masturbation is really a young man’s game. Sadly, I’m getting too old and flabby to spank my monkey on a daily basis. Maybe I should join a gym.
I dried off with one of my wife’s tiny towels and stepped into the bedroom. My clothes were laid out on the bed. The Dragon Lady had chosen insulated winter pants from the closet.
I said, “These pants are just too warm for October. They make me perspire. I’ll be scratching my nuts all day.”
She said, “But it almost winta.”
“It’s not almost winter. In fact, today feels quite balmy. I’m like a sea lion. My blubber protects me from the frigid air.”
“You such da fucken idiot.”
“Whatever you say. But I need new pants please.”
You might get the false notion that I’m turning my woman into a slave. However, nothing could be further from the truth. Asian women are often territorial. They control their house like a tyrannosaurus controls a patch of primordial swamp. When I try to remove stuff from the closet without her consent, I am frequently forced to eat a ration of shit. Asian women are also crazy when it comes to money. They control the bankbook with an iron fist and give their husbands a weekly allowance. My advice? Stick to your own kind.
I got to school at 7:30 a.m. and called my mom using WeChat.
I said, “I pissed off Larry.”
“I jokingly called him a bitch, and it hurt his feelings.”
“Really? He’s that sensitive? Everybody uses the word bitch for comedic effect. It’s on all the shows. In fact, your niece called her brother a little bitch just the other day. We laughed till we fell off the sofa.”
“Well, he doesn’t like it.”
“Don’t let your crazy wife ruin the boy. If he can’t handle getting called a bitch, then what can he handle? She’s turning him into a pussy.”
“I couldn’t agree more.”
My day at work went OK. A Chinese girl who is currently attending Harvard gave my students a pep talk via the internet. Her pretty face was on a large projection screen. She talked to the children using WeChat. We Chat is a very popular social media platform here on the mainland.
I didn’t listen to her speech. I find that the worst sin a man can commit is idolatry because it leads to all the other sins. And Asians worship the Ivy League as if it were a god. They even manipulate the words of Christ by turning human intelligence into a holy virtue. The fortunate few get to make a ton of money and go to heaven when they die while the rest of us dummies are supposed to worship at their feet. According to these blasphemers, that’s the way God wants it. It’s a prosperity gospel, plain and simple, and I refuse to acknowledge this type of satanic bullshit.