Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. President Xi is on a sincere mission to clean up all of China’s public toilets. He’s doing this to keep the tourists happy. And I’m with him one-hundred percent. There’s nothing worse than being forced to defecate in a hole in the ground. Talk about a drag.
I stepped into my spacious shower. I thought about this white girl I know named Michelle. She’s a brunette with a delicious set of melons and a nice firm ass. I immediately popped a Woodrow, and it wasn’t long before I was choking my chicken. I used a mixture of shampoo and conditioner to achieve full pleasure. I shot my load in five minutes. My orgasm was quite explosive. I had a wonderful time.
I stepped out of the shower and dried off with one of my wife’s tiny towels. Then I ate breakfast with Rice-Boy Larry. We had eggs, hash browns, and chicken. The meal also included several slices of French bread. In China, a man can eat like a king for a reasonable price.
I turned to my son. “Do you want to watch television with me tonight?”
“What shows are playing?”
“We have Ozark and American Horror Story.”
“I love those programs, but I have to study Chinese.”
Mandarin is a complete motherfucker. I’d never be able to learn it in a million years. It’s predicated on tone of voice. I tip my hat to Larry. He attacks the subject like a real pro. Lots of folk—including children—get so frustrated that they just give up.
We walked to school. The weather is starting feel a little more like autumn. I hate summer. I’m a winter fatso. Lately, I’ve been thinking about retiring in Greenland, but—believe it or not—the cost for food and rent is through the roof. You must have a lot of cash to call Greenland your home.
I got to my classroom at 7:20 a.m. I spoke to my mother over WeChat.
I said, “Ken kind of reminds me of your father Grandpa Jim. He’s stubborn just like him.”
She gave me an angry glare. “That boy never listens to a word I say. He reminds me more and more of his mother every day.”
“Come on, Mom. Get real. Ken’s nothing like my wife. He’s kind to animals. He has lots of friends. He works and studies hard. The kid’s an angel. Remember what an asshole I used to be? Always smoking dope and drinking beer?”
“I didn’t mean it in a bad way. He’s a real Asian go-getter. She’s very similar. Do you remember how she went shopping the day after she delivered Larry? That’s real strength. I certainly couldn’t do it.”
“Of course, you meant it in a bad way. He’s been pissing you off lately, but let’s not go overboard.”
“You’re right. Ken’s been a great help. I should be more patient.”
“He’s a good kid, so let’s start on a fresh page.”
I’m a big believer in fresh pages. I try never to hold a grudge.
My day at school went well. I gave a test on The Woman in Black. All the children passed the exam. Good for them.
I got home at 5 p.m. and watched Tucker Carlson on YouTube. Trump declassified some documents regarding the FISA warrant on Carter Page. The President might be a chubby orange-skinned vulgarian, but he’s courageously taking on the deep state in a life-and-death battle. And this struggle is good for the American people. The CIA and the FBI need to have their wings clipped. Spying on citizens for political purposes is something you’d expect in China, not America. I stand with Donald.
I viewed American Horror Story. It was filled with gay sex. One of the characters even wore a rubber suit. I laughed and laughed and laughed.