Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Two Chinese teenagers got caught with tobacco at school. So their teacher made them smoke a pack of cigarettes apiece. After that, he placed the ashes in cups of water and forced them to swallow the toxic liquid.
Needless to say, the children got very ill. In fact, they both came down with a bad case of nicotine poisoning, and one of them nearly died. The teacher in question was given a stern reprimand, but the powers-that-be are letting him keep his job. They claim that his intentions were pure.
I stepped into a hot shower. The water pressure was very weak, making it nearly impossible for me to properly wash my cornhole. Luckily, I somehow managed. I’m wonderful that way. I thought about jerking off just to spite the Queen Elephant and her evil family, but I couldn’t get it up. I’m not the young stud that I used to be.
I ate eggs and toast for breakfast. The meal was delicious.
I turned to The Dragon Lady. “Can I take Rice-Boy Larry to the PC room?”
PC rooms are popular in South Korea. Many people flock there to play computer games for a dollar an hour. Some poor assholes even become addicted.
The Dragon Lady said, “No, he not going.”
“Because I say so.”
I went to my room and began reading a true crime story about the Green River killer. His first name is Gary, and he murdered a lot of prostitutes back in the day. He’s currently rotting away in a prison cell in the state of Washington. Gary is the most prolific serial killer in the history of the United States, but his IQ is only eighty-two. I guess you could call him an overachiever.
Rice-Boy Larry knocked on my door. “Dad, when are we going to the PC room?”
“Your crazy mother said that we have to stay home.”
Larry told his grandmother that I had called her daughter a loon. The Queen Elephant cried and cried.
The Dragon Lady said, “You da asshoe.”
I said, “Why am I an asshole?”
“You make my mudda cly.”
“She knows you’re a fucking nut. All of Korea knows it. I’m not telling her some new information.”
“Go! Take Rarry. I not want to even rook at you.”
I don’t know how to play modern computer games. They all look too complicated for a hillbilly like me. But my boy had a great time. Meanwhile, I checked my email and watched lots of American television programs. We stayed in the PC room for over five hours.
Larry said, “I’m hungry. Can we go eat dinner?”
“What do you want?”
“I don’t know. Chicken?”
I nodded. “Chicken it is. I might have some soju with my bird.”
“I thought you gave up drinking.”
“Yeah, but Korea does something to me. I can’t handle this fucking place without drugs. It just depresses the shit out of me.”
“You’re making excuses.”
However, I really wasn’t. South Korea is a giant shithole. It even smells like a big wet fart. Nobody smiles, and the entire population is completely miserable. On the bright side, the women are pretty—probably the most stunning in Asia. But their beauty is a double-edged sword. Many of them are psycho princess-types who will make your life a nightmare.
Anyway, I drank two bottles of soju with the meal. I also downed a big glass of beer. A good time was had by all.