Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A crazy woman from Shenzhen lured two Chinese toddlers into her home. After gaining their trust, she proceeded to murder them with a meat cleaver. The little boy was three and his sister was two. The victims lived with their grandmother in a small rural village.
The perpetrator of this crime has a reputation for being off her rocker. But that doesn’t matter here on the mainland. She’ll be given a speedy trial and a quick death even if she is a loon. And I certainly have no qualms with capital punishment in a case of this magnitude. Her actions were evil, and the world is a better place without her. Sometimes, society must take out the trash in order to protect the innocent.
I walked to school with Rice-Boy Larry.
He said, “I can’t go to sleep tonight.”
I said, “Why?”
“I have a lot of tests tomorrow.”
“So what? This isn’t Korea. Students are actually allowed to rest in China.”
“But I enjoy success. I also like it when people pat me on the back.”
“Who pats you on the back?”
“All of my friends.”
“Well, I leave it in your hands. If you want to sleep, feel free. But if you’d prefer to study, then be my guest. I’m too old to argue.”
I got to my room at 7:30 a.m. and called my mother using WeChat.
I said, “I saw a job in Korea that interests me, but I’m not sure if I should apply.”
“I’d go for it. You hate China.”
“That’s not true. I actually like the country a lot. But the whole fascist government thing weighs on my soul like a heavy brick. Living here makes me feel immoral.”
“You’re talking crazy. Do what you’re told and shut the fuck up. What could be easier?”
“I guess you’re right.”
“Of course I’m right. The dictatorship is China’s problem, not yours.”
Mom handed the phone to my sister.
Sis said, “It’s been a long time. We haven’t spoken in ages.”
“Yes, it’s certainly been a while.”
My sister had sent me a very nasty Facebook message about two years ago, and I had pretty much cut her out of my life. But it’s best to let old grudges evaporate.
Sis said, “Wow, you’ve really packed on the pounds.”
“Yeah, I haven’t missed many meals.”
“It’s nice to talk to you again.”
She gave the phone to Ken the Atheist. He’s now working the breakfast shift at Chick-Fil-A. He seems very happy.
I said, “When are you getting your driving license?”
He said, “After my first paycheck.”
I saw my tenth graders at eleven a.m. A girl named Helen forgot to bring her grammar book. I gave the child a detention, and she started sobbing.
The other students became upset.
One boy said, “You’re a mean one, Buffalo.”
Another boy said, “Look, you made her cry. Don’t you feel guilty?”
I held up my hand for silence. The class quieted down.
I said, “This isn’t the first time that Helen has forgotten her book. Therefore, the penalty stands. She has a detention, and you will just have to put that in your pipes and smoke it.”
I might sound cruel, but discipline is necessary. If I let a weepy girl off the hook, then it sends the wrong message. Pretty soon, the entire class will start forgetting to bring the proper materials to school. Teenagers smell weakness like hungry wolves. And the last thing that I want to be is a wounded caribou.