Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A Chinese man raped and killed a thirteen-year-old middle school student. The police now have this reprobate in custody. He’ll get a quick trial and a painless death. The government is large and in charge here on the mainland. It never fails to take out the trash.
I always go back and forth on the issue of capital punishment. One day I’m for it, and the next day I’m against it. But anyone who’s sick enough to sexually assault and murder a child is pretty much beyond redemption. The best solution for everybody involved is to put a bullet in the back of his head.
I walked to school with Rice-Boy Larry. My son is a chubby child. The spring heat is starting to bother him.
He said, “The sun is killing me.”
I said, “The sun is killing all of us. But what can we do? We gotta work. That’s how God designed creation. He wants us to be busy with our hands.”
“Do you believe in Adam and Eve?”
“Ken says that you’re stupid. He thinks that only an idiot would believe in that kind of shit.”
“Ken isn’t nearly as smart as he thinks he is.”
“He is pretty smart, though. He’s a math and science guy.”
“What’s the earth’s age?”
“I don’t know.”
“I heard it’s four billion years old. That’s according to science. Do you believe in science?”
“Yes and no. I believe in God. And I do my best to kiss God’s ass. Einstein and Newton don’t have the power to send me to hell. So why the fuck should I care what they think? That’s my philosophy.”
I got to my classroom at 7:30 a.m. I called Ken the Atheist using WeChat.
He said, “I have a job interview tomorrow.”
“No shit! Chick-Fil-A?”
“Your first job. I’m so excited. I can’t wait to see you in that uniform.”
“Well, I haven’t gotten the position yet.”
“You’ll be fine. Just be yourself. Remember that the family is counting on you. Maybe in the future you can get me a gig mopping the floors.”
He nodded. “Don’t scoff. It pays twelve bucks an hour. That’s not too shabby.”
“Who’s scoffing? That’s a great wage. My first job paid $3.25. Now maybe you can meet some girls and take them out on dates.”
“It's not going to happen.”
“It’s the Korean man’s curse. White women avoid me like the plague, and there aren’t any Asians in my school.”
“What you need to do is meet a black girl with a big set of tits.”
“OK. That’s it. I’m outta here. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
He hung up on me.
Ken’s a strange boy. He fears girls more than God. But I couldn’t be happier. He’s a great kid.