Tuesday, May 15, 2018

AP English and Chairman Mao

Chapter 26

          Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A Chinese man finally divorced his wife after she ran him over with the family car. But this isn’t the only act of abuse he’s endured throughout the marriage. He’s been stabbed in the chest and beaten with various blunt objects, including frying pans and rolling pins.

          The man asked the judge to be lenient on the woman. He said that the assaults were family matters. The judge complied. She was given a suspended sentence. Here’s the problem. This psycho is going to marry another sucker, and her criminal behavior will start all over again. Females who try to kill their husbands belong in jail.

          The topic of abuse is near and dear to my heart because I’ve been a victim of domestic battery. No shit. When The Dragon Lady was battling Grave’s Disease, she used to punch me and destroy my possessions. But I don’t want to get too far into the weeds. Dwelling in the past can be a downer. Besides, she’s now on her hormone medicine and hasn’t gotten violent in quite a long time. Let’s hope it lasts.

          I walked downstairs and ate bacon and eggs for breakfast. The meal also came with hash browns. Everything tasted great.

          Rice-Boy Larry was viewing YouTube at the kitchen table as he stuffed his face with food. The man in the video repeated the word fuck over and over again. Larry laughed and laughed and laughed.

          I said, “You probably shouldn’t be watching that.”

          He said, “Why?”

          “It’s filled with dirty language.”

          “You use dirty words all the time.”

          I shrugged. “You’re absolutely right.”

          There was nothing left to say. So I returned to munching on my vittles.

          I walked to work with my son. It’s a good twenty-minute jaunt to my place of employment. And the weather’s been a tad warm these past few days. I’m beginning to feel it in my legs. But exercise is good for me. At least that’s what everybody says. Plus I want to live forever. Don’t get me wrong. I firmly believe that Christ in king, yet I’m still afraid to die. Go figure.

          I got to my classroom at 7:30. I called Ken the Atheist using WeChat.

          I said, “What classes are you taking next year?”

          He said, “Chemistry, calculus, anatomy, and AP English.”

          “AP English? Are you kidding me. You’re a math and science guy. You haven’t read a single novel in your entire life.”

          “How come you don’t have faith in me?”

          “I do have faith in you. But I saw what happened last year with AP European History. You dropped the course. This is even harder.”

          “Well, I’m still taking it.”

          “You’re such a retard. How the fuck are you going to pass when you don’t even like fiction or poetry? Plus you hate to write.”

          “Dad, scream all you want. But the matter is settled. I’m taking AP English.”

          I sighed deeply. “Think about it carefully. You’re going to have a part-time job on top of all that studying. Just take Honors English.”

          But Ken wouldn’t budge. He’s a stubborn teenager. However, things could be a lot worse. He doesn’t do drugs or drink alcohol. And he isn’t a godforsaken sodomite. Therefore, I should have grandkids in the future if I manage to live that long.

          I met my tenth-grade class at eleven a.m. We’re still reading Chinese Cinderella. The protagonist’s name is Adeline. Adeline gets nervous when her abusive mother sends her to Tianjin because Chairman Mao and the PLA are closing in on the city.

          I said, “Adeline is afraid of Mao.”

          A student named Betsy Ding took umbrage at my comment. She shot me the stink eye. “Why would she fear Mao?”

          “She’s staying at a Roman Catholic school, and Mao is strict with the Christians.”

          Betsy said, “We like Chairman Mao. He’s a Chinese hero.”

          “I didn’t pick the book. This is the material I was given by the school.”

          “You better be careful, Buffalo. I’d hate to see you go to jail. Or worse.”

          “I’ll be careful. I promise. Now can I continue teaching? Do I have your permission?”

          More stink eye. I gave her a detention. It felt good.

          I haven’t had a student threaten to put me in jail since America. That’s why I moved to Asia in the first place. I was simply tired of being a zookeeper. So if Red Betsy wants to fuck with me, then she’s going to have to roll the dice and take her chances. I’m too fucking old to put up with her nonsense.