Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A Chinese father gave his thirteen-year-old son four ounces of whiskey during the new year. The boy ended up with a bad case of alcohol poisoning. He was transported to the nearest hospital and could have died without medical attention. The father isn’t facing any criminal charges, but the government is using his story as a warning to other libertine parents who let their children imbibe on special occasions. According to Big Brother, kids and liquor simply don’t mix.
I stepped into my spacious shower. The hot water felt wonderful as it slammed into my blubber, but I decided not to beat my meat. The Dragon Lady is still sharing her bed with me, so I am now using her body to alleviate my lusty desires. After all, that’s what wives are for. Besides, I find that masturbation in the morning saps my energy. If I decide to jerk off in the future, I’ll do it before going to sleep.
I dried off with one of my tiny towels and walked downstairs. My wife had prepared bacon and eggs and toast for breakfast. It was resting on the kitchen table. The food was delicious. I haven’t had bacon for ages. The experience was a real treat.
I walked to work with Rice-Boy Larry. I arrived at 7:30 a.m. and called Ken the Chicken Man using WeChat.
He said, “I’m thinking about going to the University of Texas when I graduate.”
I said, “That’s six hours away from Granny’s house. Are you still going to persue a degree in nursing?”
“Yeah, but I also want to take the MCAT when I’m an RN. Maybe I can become a doctor.”
“You’d be better off going to a college closer to home. The cost of a dorm is a killer.”
“Yeah, but I want the true experience.”
“The true experience? What? You’d prefer to pay thousands of unnecessary dollars so that you can smoke pot and listen to music in a dormitory?”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Son, the American university system is a racket. It’s designed to put you in debt. You’ll be paying off loans until you die.”
“Stop being so paranoid.”
I decided not to argue. I mean, what would I actually say? Hey, Ken, try not to become a doctor. It’s a bad idea. The very notion sounded silly. But the cost of even a state college is quite prohibitive. Mark my words. The price of medical insurance and education will eventually turn the United States into a socialist nation.
My day at work went OK. We had a lot of meetings and discussed various types of learning strategies. Even though I’m a teacher, I don’t give a rat’s ass about pedagogy. I went into the field because I thought it would be fun to talk about literature and politics with other living breathing human beings.
I got home at 5 p.m. and watched Tucker Carlson. A gay actor named Jussie Smollet accused a group of white guys of racist and homophobic behavior. He said that these men called him filthy names and placed a noose around his neck. It turns out that Jussie made the whole thing up. The incident never happened.
I went to bed at nine p.m. I dreamt that I had sex with one of my Chinese coworkers. I really had a good time.