Sunday, February 24, 2019

Academics and Asia

Chapter 69

          Yesterday, I woke up at nine a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A third-grade boy from Hunan Province forgot to do his winter homework. Sadly, his father went completely apeshit. He severely beat the boy with his fists and cut him badly on the leg with a knife. The doctor says it will take the child about a month to recover fully from his injuries. Asian parents are fucking crazy. They take academics way too seriously.

          I stepped into my spacious shower. The hot water felt great as it slammed into my blubber, and I briefly thought about jerking off. But I simply couldn’t pop a Woodrow. I’ve been humping the Dragon Lady on a nightly basis, and my sexual energy has limits. It’s not like I’m superman.

          I dried off with a tiny towel and walked downstairs. My wife and son were sitting at the kitchen table.

          I said, “I might have a chance to work at a school in Xinjiang. Chinese isn’t the main language at this particular institution. English is spoken by everyone.”

          Rice-Boy Larry said, “That’s great.”

          The Dragon Lady said, “Where’s Xinjiang?”

          I said, “It’s in the northwest of China. We’ll probably freeze our balls off, but Larry will have a great time. He won’t have to constantly study Mandarin.”

          My wife shook her head violently. “I not go! I not rike da cold!”

          Larry said, “We speak lots of English at my school, so why would we want to move there?”

          “Well, your school is bilingual. This new place is international. Lots of the students are foreigners.”

          “Do they have any Americans?”

          I shrugged my shoulders. “I would imagine they do. Americans are everywhere. The world is crawling with us.”

          “Are you ristening? I not go! I not rike da cold!”

          I said, “But Beijing is cold. So what’s the fucking difference?”

          She said, “Beijing tier one city. It famous. Dis prace not famous.”

          I said, “OK, whatever you want. I just brought it up for Larry’s sake. The salary is virtually the same, so what the hell do I care?”

          We went to see a movie called Alita: Battle Angel. It’s about a female cyborg who falls in love with cute boy who lives downs the street. It turns out that Alita is also good at kicking ass. She even cuts off a guy’s face with a ferocious-looking sword. The film might sound stupid, but I really liked it. I give it a glowing recommendation.

          Later that night, we stopped for ice cream. Larry and I walked to a restroom to take a piss.

          He said, “Mom changed her mind. She now wants to go to Xinjiang.”


          “That’s what she said.”

          “Well, I don’t officially have the job just yet. I’ll know in a couple of weeks. But the chances are pretty high.”

          We took a Didi home. I enjoyed television while resting on my sofa. I was really having a good time, but my wife fucked it all up.

          She came down the stairs and said, “I have da bad news.”

          “Is there any other kind?”

          “What dat mean? Do you want to hear da news or no?”

          “OK. Tell me.”

          “Our apartment in Kolea have da mold. Da people riving dere are compraining. What should we do?”

          “Let your mom deal with it.”

          “But she old lady.”

          “What can I do? I live in China, and I don’t speak the language.”

          Here’s the deal. The tenants only live in the apartment sporadically. They have another house in butt-fuck Egypt where they spend most of their time. While they’re away, they never open a window or turn on the heat. So my place is always dark, damp, stale, and cold.

          But I’m going to erase it from my mind. Let the Koreans lose sleep. This American needs his rest.

          I walked upstairs and had sex with my wife. It took me fifteen minutes to shoot my load. After that, I rolled over and closed my eyes. I was out like a light in less than two minutes. Good for me.


  1. Your stories and the grand lessons by the Anonymous grammar teacher are the highlights of my week. cheers.

  2. this 'blog has devolved into a freeking ozzie-and-harriett family channel where the dad and mom merrily copolate and provide steady support to they're two boys.

    bufflo: honey I'm home
    dragon: now don't go putting your feet on the table, dear
    rice: hiya pops
    bufflo: (tousles hair) whats up, sporto. hows school.
    rice: pretty keen. we dissected bats.
    chicken: mathematics sure are swell these days. I really like my teacher.


    here's the peoples liberation troupe with "sing of the joyful laboring"

    joyous upon the highest