Today, I woke up at 8:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A beautiful woman from Beijing found fame on the internet by posting short videos about her life on a popular site called Baidu. Like many pretty young females, she wanted to become even more attractive. Therefore, she decided to pay for plastic surgery. The procedure didn’t turn out so well, and the poor girl was too embarrassed to show her face in public. She eventually killed herself by jumping off a building.
I’ve been ugly most of my life, and I think it’s made me a stronger person. In my youth, I had terrible acne and a horrible personality. In fact, I was so unattractive that the girls in my high school often stated that they would rather fuck each other than have sex with me. I shit you not. And now I’m an old pathetic fat ass who can barely squeeze into his pants. But being a hideous bastard has taught me a valuable lesson. I don’t need a woman to make me whole. I’d be just as happy living in a trailer park and masturbating to pornography. Those Incel crybabies simply have no idea how good they have it. Stupid motherfuckers.
I stepped into my spacious shower. The hot water felt wonderful as it pounded against my blubber, and I thought about a young woman whom I know named Michelle. Michelle is a raven-haired beauty with a great set of tits and an ass to die for. It wasn’t long before I popped a Woodrow. In my fantasy, I fucked her on the kitchen table. I jerked off using plenty of shampoo and conditioner for maximum comfort. I shot my load in less than five minutes. My orgasm was quite explosive. I really had a great time.
I dried off using one of my wife’s tiny towels. Then I walked downstairs and called my mother on WeChat.
She said, “The weather has been really bad here in Texas. All the thunder is scaring the hell out of my dogs.”
“I wouldn’t worry too much. Bad weather comes and goes.”
“Have you been watching the news? The people from New Orleans are really pissed off.”
“Pissed off? Why?”
“You know why. That stupid football game. They say they got robbed by the refs.”
“They did get robbed. But what can they do about it?”
“Congressman Scalise wants a do-over. He thinks that the Rams and the Saints should play this Saturday.”
“It’ll never happen in a million years.”
“It’s a goddamn shame. To work so hard only to have it stolen away by some idiot in a striped shirt.”
“It ain’t easy being a ref. The poor guy probably just froze up. It happens. Remember when I used to umpire high school baseball?”
“I still have PTSD from that experience. The names those assholes used to call me! Even the memory burns my ears.”
She handed the phone to Ken the Chicken Man.
I said, “How come you aren’t at work?”
He said, “It’s the weather. We had too many employees and not enough customers. So the manager sent me home.”
“Wow, it must be raining cats and dogs.”
“Not just rain. We even had hail.”
“Christ. It sounds biblical.”
“Maybe it’s global warming. A woman named Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez says that the world is gonna end in twelve years.”
“Son, that chick is a dullard. How she got elected to congress is just a sad sign of the times.”
Later in the day, I watched the Tucker Carlson Show on YouTube. A group of Catholic school boys took a trip to Washington D.C. to join an anti-abortion march. They wore red MAGA hats, and this choice of wardrobe inflamed some of the local liberal loons. These children were called every name in the book and physically threatened by adult males.
Then a crazy Indian approached the young men and started beating his drum just inches away from the face of a fifteen-year-old kid. To his credit, the student remained calm and smiled. Needless to say, he was immediately tagged as a racist by the left-wing media and has since received a shitload of death threats from angry radicals.
I have no idea what the fuck is happening to my country. Grown educated men are now actually entertaining the idea of murdering teenagers who support the president. Trump Derangement Syndrome is officially out of control.