Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Old Linda

Chapter 44

          Back in 1997, Mr. Song drove to the airport with David to pick up a new teacher. He returned with an older woman named Linda who hailed from Utah. Dearest readers, don't confuse her with the Sexy Linda, the Korean woman who had given me wood upon my arrival. Sadly, this particular Linda was much different. She was a 42-year-old former truck driver with blonde hair and pale skin. She had a nice figure in spite of her age, but I would later find out that she was a complete loon.

          Linda’s new home was on the nice side of the office building. She lived in the same sector with Roger and Michael Freeman. She also shared the space with two couples who were shacking up in an effort to save money for their impending nuptials. Korea was very conservative back then, so these individuals had to pretend to be married in order to sleep in the same bed.

          Moss and Peggy were from Seattle. They were liberal tree huggers who wore homemade sweaters and sported wire-rimmed glasses. Dave and Patty, on the other hand, were right-wing Canadians from the city of Lethbridge. Dave was very short, and like lots of midgets, he had a surly attitude.

          Moss said, “Hey, Buffalo, have you met the new teacher? Her name’s Linda, and she’s from Utah. Isn’t that cool?”

          Peggy said, “Linda used to be a truck driver. There aren’t many females attracted to that profession. And she’s so pretty and feminine. Just look at her. She’s so cool.”

          I smiled. “Hello, Linda.”

          She returned my smile. “Nice to meet you, Buffalo.”

          I could tell right away that she was attracted to me. And, even though she was fourteen years my senior, I was really dying for a piece of pussy. The very thought of fucking Old Linda gave me wood. So I decided to do something about it.

          I said, “You just had a long flight. You’re probably tired.”

          “A little. Why do you ask?”

          “I’d like to take you out for a drink…if you’re up to it.”

          “I’d love a drink. Just give me fifteen minutes to freshen up.”

          We went to a joint that was close to the building. It was only a five-minute jaunt. We drank soju and ate dried fish.

          Linda said, “Mmmmm, this stuff tastes great.”

          I said, “Really? It’s like chewing on a baseball glove.”

          She giggled. “I love it.”

          Linda batted her eyes at me, and I figured that I’d get a blowjob at the very least. The woman really loved to drink. She kept throwing back the shots as if they were water. We both became quite inebriated as the evening progressed.

          I said, “You have nice hair.”

          “You like blondes?”

          I touched her locks with my fingers. “Very much.”

          “Did you know that the hair on my pussy is gray?”

          I nearly choked on my soju. “No shit? I would have never guessed.”

          “My pubes might be gray, but my stuff is still nice and tight.”

          “Well, that’s certainly a blessing.”

          “I love my pussy. I play with it all the time.”

          “All this sexy talk is turning me on.”

          She smiled. “I once even ejaculated like a man?”

          “I had no idea.”

          “I was playing with myself, and suddenly I just squirted all over the living room floor.”

          “No kidding. That must have been one hell of an orgasm.”

          “It felt great.”

          “I bet it did.”

          “Do you jerk off?”

          “From time to time.”

          “Maybe one day we can jerk off together.”

          Then she howled with laughter at the notion.

          I took her home, and we walked over to the ghetto. We kissed several times in the television room, and I did my best to get her out of her panties. However, she kept batting my hands away. I was desperate and horny, so I made a disgusting offer that would have landed me in a lot of hot water in the current age of the Me-Too Movement.

          I said, “Do you want to watch me rub one out?”

          “Are you crazy? I barely know you.”

          I had obviously misread the signals.

          Later that night, I beat my meat as I relaxed in bed. Then I blew my load into a tissue and slept like the dead.


  1. "I had obviously misread the signals." HAHA dude you're brilliant.

  2. Some of the rough intercourse I had back in my college days would easily be considered to be in violation of today's #metoo parameters.

    Climbing into the saddle when she wasnt in the mood, overcoming her protests while sliding into her backdoor, or getting on top of her when I was too drunk for her to tolerate would definitely be a no-no today.

    But the sun always came up the next morning; kind words were exchanged, we went out for breakfast and all was forgiven

    After all, whats a boy to do.

  3. "like a man?” --> like a man????

    this episode was creepy.

    harvey weinstein creepy.

    jeffrey epstein creepy.

    in the book of Genetics and chapter 38, it telleth our hearts:

    Judo saw him a Canaanite girl and he tookethed her and went in to her. she popped out one baby boy and then later another one what went by the name Onan. turns out, the first one done the wicked thing after a time, so y-w-y went and put him to straight to death.

    then Judo says to Onan, he goes: say there, Onan, my boy, howbouts you go ahead and sleep with your dead wicked brother's wife and do your duty to raise up a batch of babby's for your dead wicked brother, what say.

    but Onan, whenever he would sleep with his brother’s wife, he would spill his load into a tissue. what he done was wicked in y-w-y's sight; so y-w-y put him down.

    what the book of genetics is saying is, is that your friend linda there, she needed to be reminded that if she didn't go ahead and say "metoo" to you, then you'd half to go do the wicked thing and then y-w-y would smite you down like he done with Onan.

    the bible doesn't say what the wicked thing was that Onan's brother done. but it might could have involved a canannite girl, name of linda.

    linda, linda the canannite
    gimme somethin sweet tonite
    might be wrong, might be right
    but don't be puttin up a fight
    [john lennin (peace be on him)]

    going back into time:
    "My minster's name is Pastor Jug-Head" -> my minstrel's name go like Pastorius JuggerKopf

    also there is a hermeneutical problem in the exegetics of the story of Moshe (peace be on him). the book of filth representeth (above) that Moshe became so angry and bitter that y-w-y left him in the wilderness. but a look into the scriptures telleth our hearts about how Moshe said "have we gotta get water outta this here rock for you?" and then smote he the rock twice instead of once.

    some people say Moshe took credit for y-w-y's mirracle and that's what got him into disfavor in terms of entry upon the foreign soils. but some people say the first smite didn't bringeth forth water, and in his second smiting Moshe was acting like, hey y-w-y, what's the matter, you forgot your miracle-maker or something? that is, Moshe tauntethed the almighty.

    so anyhows, that rock that was smote, it commenced to spilleth its load like crazy, which in habiru goes

    מַ֣יִם רַבִּ֔ים (mayim rabbim = loads of flows)

    so you half to kinda scratch your head a little because of how Onan, he got punished because he blowed his load in a tissue instead of in his dead brother's wife as he was asked , but Moshe, him got the beat-down because he did what he was asked TWICE instead of one times, in terms of smoting the rock with his big "mattah" (i.e., "rod" or "shaft"; in latin "biggus stickus")

    here it is explained in song for all to meditation upon

  4. "Failure to do so could lead sex crimes" --> failing so to do? could it lead criminalities?

    1. Thanks. But the chapter number would make it easier. Much Ruv.

    2. My mistake. It's actually easier with the URL.

      Problem fixed.

      Much Ruv.

  5. "My minster's name is Pastor Jug-Head" -> minster jug-head is the name of a beautiful church in korea
    Chapter 39
    "The Beautiful Churches of Korea"

    The chapter title would make it easier. excepting that the churches don't have chapter titles.

    ms. sovely soly is good writer and maybe she had ought to be gifted her own column space or maybe a guest columnist. can you give her upload permissions for audio because then she could read her comments a loud and that would add value to content to viewership in a cycle of upwelling.

    "Moses became so angry and bitter that God left him in the wilderness" -->

    it turns out that Rogatchover Gaon explains that Moses's sin was that he took the Wrong Stick ("wrongus stickus") for hitting the rock to get it to spill its water out onto the ground in the Onan manner.

    Maimonides (peace be on him) explains further that the sin of moses was that he called the people "rebels" which is

    marah מָרָה

    in habiru, but he should have rightly instead called them

    marud מָרוּד

    which is "wandering" and so that is how come moses, he didn't get to wander his way into the promise land, so if you could go ahead and fix that line in the watt pad then that would be great.

    or else the rock was y-sh-u-wa (peace be on him) and moses smote him twice for our sins, amen, and in smoting the rock of our salvation by "lifting up his hand", rather than using a level swing like they teach you in the Little Leagues, moses was using the egyptian style of batting, which showed a lack of faith. 1 Cor. 10:4 explains all of this in more details.

  6. "minster" probably should be changed to "minister"

  7. see above:

    going back into time:
    "My minster's name is Pastor Jug-Head" ->
    my minstrel's name go like Pastorius JuggerKopf

    see also above a second time:

    "My minster's name is Pastor Jug-Head" ->
    minster jug-head is the name of a beautiful church in korea

    buffalo stopped reading the posts

    "I would have read the readers' replies, but there were so many words contained therein"