Thursday, December 20, 2018


Chapter 51

          Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I took a nasty shit while reading the news on my smartphone. An eleven-year-old boy from Sichuan found his grandfather’s nail gun. He used the dangerous tool to shoot his nine-year-old cousin. Sadly, the poor girl died from her injuries, and grandpa was later arrested by the powers that be for possessing a firearm. He faces a minimum three-year prison sentence for his crime. Here on the mainland, owning a nail gun is against the law.

          I stepped into my spacious shower. The hot water felt great as it pounded against my flab, and my thoughts turned to a porn queen named Ona Zee. Ona is a delicious brunette with a set of big tits who doesn’t mind taking it in the ass. What’s not to love? I jerked off using liberal amounts of shampoo and conditioner for maximum comfort. I shot my load in less than five minutes. My orgasm was quite explosive. I really had a good time.

          Later that morning, I walked to work with Rice-Boy Larry.

          He said, “I really want my own room. I’m tired of sleeping with mom. It’s becoming embarrassing.”

          I said, “Well, the apartment has a spare bed, and you’re welcome to use it.”

          “She won’t let me.”


          “She says that she wants to save on heating costs.”

          I laughed. “That’s bullshit. She’s turned you into her little Teddy bear. She can’t sleep without her security blanket.”

          “I don’t understand her mind.”

          “Don’t bother trying. She’s nuts.”

          “Can you talk to her?”

          “I’ll write her a note. But don’t expect miracles. Mom’s a lunatic.”

          I must admit the truth. His words brought joy to my heart. Larry used to act like a little pampered snot, and I truly feared that I was losing him. But, as he continues to get older, he’s beginning to see that there is something seriously wrong with his Korean family. Like his father and elder brother, he resents being controlled by a group of psychotic Orientals. I don’t want to rehash the details in this particular tome. If you’re interested, read my first book for free over at It’s called Filthy Beast: The Diary of an English Teacher in South Korea.

          One of my bosses came to see me during breaktime. I’ve got so many supervisors that it’s hard to keep their names straight.

          She said, “Some of the high school teachers are coming in tardy. The principal would like you to fix the issue. Please discuss the faculty attendance policy during the next meeting.”

          “Well, it’s really not my problem.”

          “Excuse me?”

          “I’m not a principal or a vice principal. So it’s not my place to correct the behavior of naughty teachers. The principal should do it himself.”

          She left my room with a puzzled expression on her face.

          I’m not some young firebrand. Nor am I a rabble-rouser. But boundaries are healthy for everyone involved. I have to work closely with my fellow teachers, and the last thing I need is a reputation as a snitch. The powers that be can do their own dirty work, thank you very much. That’s why they have the title and a sweet pay check.

          I got home at 5 p.m. I helped Rice-Boy Larry write a paper for his English class.

          He said, “You’re not supposed to start a sentence with a conjunction.”

          I said, “Who taught you that trash?”

          “My teacher.”

          “Well, she’s full of shit. That’s nothing more than an elementary-school myth. It’s perfectly OK to use and or but at the beginning of a sentence. And don’t let any asshole tell you otherwise.”

          “But she controls my grade.”

          “Good point. You’re a wise man, Larry.”

          I went to bed at 10 p.m. I slept like the dead.


  1. firstly, where he goes:
    “But she controls my grade.”
    that's a good example of how come its ok to go ahead and start off with a conjunction.
    good job.

    secondly --
    lookit: the book of Genetics and chapter one is already sanctifying the start-with-conjunction thing. like how it goes:

    And the earth brought forth grass.
    And y-h-w-h saw that it was good.

    you can trace it back to the hibru:

    the bibble keeps going with the start-with-conjunctions by going:

    And there was evening, and there was morning--the third day.

    which, again, you can go ahead and trace it back into the hibru:

    there's also:

    And it was so.

    not only that, but:

    And y-h-w-h saw that it was good.


    And y-h-w-h said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place,

    before that, we had:

    And there was evening, and there was morning--the second day

    back it up some more:

    And y-h-w-h said, "Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water."

    keep on pushing:

    And there was evening, and there was morning--the first day.

    now we're almost back to the very beginning of all of it:

    And y-h-w-h said, "Let there be light,"

    so what we are seeing is, is that (1) if you are against the conjunctions that begin the sentence then you are an antisemitic, and also (2) if you are against it (see above re: being against conjunctions that start off the sentences) then you are against the inerrant word of y-h-w-h which is for unto our salvation, amen.

    so that is how we know that the conjunction, it was pre-ordained from the creation of this earthly realm of sorrows and joys unto all the people, even as far as the east is from the west.

    here is the explanation of the conjunctions for grade-schoolers

  2. I am surprised that a christian man like yourself isnt greatly troubled by the crackdown on christians.

    It is a miracle that the gospel has spread to the land of the ant people.

    It must be a dilemma for you, filthy beast.

    Much ruv at clismas time. Rong rife for you an da famary.

  3. Joyful all ye nations rise.
    Rise up.

    Guatemala in the house,
    Rise up.
    Whatcha doing, Indonesia,
    Rise up.

    Uh huh, lift your hands.

    Hey Greenland, I can't hear you.
    (points microphone toward Greenland)

    Thailand, make some noise.
    (claps hands over head)

    Japan, slap that ass now.
    Yeah, that's right.
    Uh huh.

    Work it, Madagascar.
    Rise up.
    Uh huh.
    Rise up.
    Give it to me.
    Rise up.
    Spread love, uh huh,
    Rise up.

    Say it for me.
    Spread joy, oh yeah.
    Rise up.

    [from the 2018 International Xmas LIVE! scholarship pageant]