Monday, December 10, 2018

Chung Wept

Chapter 45

          In 1997, I lived in a place I called the ghetto. The less-attractive side of the office building was populated by five English teachers. Greg and Bob were both from New Orleans, and we hit it off right away. There was also another unmarried couple named Ross and April who were living in sin unbeknownst to Mr. Song. And then there was crazy John, a giant loner who would often get drunk in his room and walk in his sleep.

          One night in late March, I went to a disco with Bob and Greg to drink beer and listen to music. Old Linda tagged along.

          Discos in Korea weren’t cheap back in those days. I was forced to order several drinks and a pricy side dish. The waiter returned with six large bottles of beer and a big tray of fruit.

          Right away, Greg started giving me problems.

          He said, “I didn’t come here to eat overpriced apples, and I ain’t fucking paying for it.”

          Greg was tall and balding. He did have some hair on the sides of his head, but the middle of his noggin was nothing more than a strip of pasty flesh.

          I said, “Listen, asshole, you’re putting up your cash like the rest of us. You cheap motherfucker.”

          “Well, you don’t have to use that kind of language.”

          Bob said, “Quit being such a Jew.”

          Linda said, “There’s no reason to bring the Jews into this matter.” She turned her attention to Greg. “If you don’t want to pay, then the solution is simple. Go find another table.”

          He became defensive. “OK, already. I’ll fucking pay.”

          Greg wasn’t a bad guy. In fact, I grew to like him a lot. He was simply a cheap stingy bastard, and every once in a while, I had to lay down the law to avoid getting ripped off.

          All the Koreans kept asking Linda to dance. They liked her blonde hair, and they thought she was beautiful. Needless to say, the horny old lady loved the attention. She danced with every man in the joint.

          But, as the evening wore on, she became attracted to one guy in particular. He was short and athletic, and wore a black pin-striped suit and a cherry-red necktie. He reminded me of a young Jackie Chan. She brought him to our table.

          Linda said, “Let me introduce my new friend. This is Chung.”

          He said, “I Chung. I grad to meet you. Welcome to Kolea.”

          We all smiled and nodded.

          He said, “I vely rich man. I want to buy you dwinkee. You not pay. Chung pay.”

          I could tell that Greg was about to have an orgasm. Eating and drinking for free gave him wood. He immediately ordered more beer. But Chung was in the mood to show off for Linda. He shouted some words in Korean, and the waiters brought over an expensive bottle of single-malt Scotch.

          I used to be a filthy drunkard in my younger years. I would literally indulge until I passed out. And my favorite drink? Single-malt Scotch.

          I started throwing back the whiskey at an alarming rate. Then I stood up in an attempt to say something clever.

          I pointed to Chung. He was sitting across from me.

          “I’d like to propose a toast to my new best friend. This Korean is a wonderful son of a bitch.”

          To my surprise, Chung started weeping, and the tears of grief slid down his cheeks and fell onto the table cloth.

          I looked around helplessly. “What the fuck just happened?”

          Linda shot me an angry look. “You called him a son of a bitch, you dumb motherfucker.”

          “But I call everybody a son of a bitch. It’s a term of affection.”

          She said, “Well, this is Korea. You aren’t in Kansas anymore. Why don’t you learn some fucking manners?”

          I went home dazed and confused. I felt like a piece of shit.


  1. it is december and so that is when there is the annual "Best of the Beast" count down

    10. A korea man threw apples out his apartment window to watch them splatter on the pavement below. He was arrested and executed for throwing them underhand.

    9. The orange-color lifesavers are my favorites. I loves me some orange color life saver.

    8. I talked to my mom on wee chat. She asked me about how work was going. I told her I couldn't really complain.

    7. It feels like I've got the flue. Fever of an hundred and two. I slept all day and vomited.

    6. A bunch of german tourists were visiting seoul, riding on the Han River Casino Boat. A fight erupted and everyone drown.

    5. My old lady bought a new hat. I asked her how come she thought she needed a new hat. She said everybody gets a new hat this time of year.

    4. I use to eat marshmellows dipped in dark chocolate. But then I found out that the chocolate was harvested by child laborers.

    3. The oldest tree in the world grows in the mountains of china. It's roots go a hundred feet into the ground.

    2. My co-worker Dirty Jerry never bathes. He smells like a sewer.

    1. People in the peninsula love to eat cucumber salad. I don't know what it is they like about it so much.

  2. the entitlement of this episode of the 'blog of the beast goes like:

    chen wept

    that one is not a saying that is found in the bibles, but instead the book of Johan and chapter 11 talks about how:

    y-s-z wept.

    the verb wept use to be called weeped or weepethed, back in the olden times of old. what had happened was, was that martha (peace be on her) had a brother. they were the famous Lazarenes. but the brother suffered from a fatal case of death, and went in to the tomb for decomposing of the flesh. so that is how come martha's sister (peace be on her) said that "if you'd have gone ahead and gotten here earlier, then my brother the Lazerian, he wouldn't have up and died".

    so she and the yudeans, they took him a-tombing, which is wherefore how he came to have weptethed.

    like mister chen in the narrative episode for our hearts.

    in the case of the lazarian tombing, y-s-z said to go ahead and take away the stone covering the hole. and martha (bless her heart), she went like, "are you kiddingeth me? because, dang! there gonna be a bad, bad stink what come out of that hole."

    and then yay-cee, he goes real loud like "you lazarian! you come out of there!" and then out comes the lazarian, with all the wrappings still roundst his head and hands and feet and whatever.

    and then yaysee goes like, "get them there rags off of him and let that fellow go".

    probably the lazarian was pretty hungrey and thirstey by that time, on account of having been bound up and locked up by his sisters in that cave for four days. unless they had maybe put some crackers and honey in there, or maybe some jugs of wine and a few fig cakes.

    it is weird though that people didn't go and start a religion over the lazarian because of how he arisen from the tomb. but that just didn't happen.

    there is only one occurrence of

    ἐδάκρυσεν ("edakrysen", wept, weptethed, weepethed)

    the word cometh from dakruon, which meaneth a teardrop, like in how in the book of Lukas and chapter 7,

    a sinner-woman, when she knew that yaysee sat at meat in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster box of ointment, and stood at his feet behind him weeping, and began to wash his feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment.

    Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much.

    that is how come you can find lachrymatories which are bottles into which mourners dropped their tears

    and you can buy them online from etsy, which is a good way to invest your bitcoins amen.

    also if you keep a tear-bottle on your person, like maybe in your jacket pocket, then when a stranger at the bar commence to weeping, then you can hand him the bottle and say, here, let your teardrops fall into this container.

    and that is a good way to make new friends.