Tuesday, December 25, 2018

My Buttocks

Chapter 51

          Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and fixed myself a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A man from northern China was recently arrested by the police for kicking the shit out of one of his former teachers. He claims that this particular educator was very abusive back in the day, making him kneel during class and slapping him across the face in front of his peers.

          I was quite lucky as a child. Most of my teachers were pretty cool. I did have a male chemistry instructor who enjoyed slapping me on the ass when I was fifteen years old. But my parents and I thought nothing of it. We had no idea that this type of behavior is a form of sexual abuse. We simply believed that the guy was being friendly. This occurred more than thirty years before the MeToo Movement began, so we didn’t know any better.

          I stepped into my spacious shower. The hot water felt wonderful as it pounded against my blubber, but I was far too sick to masturbate. I’ve been feeling pretty miserable over the last few days. I caught a dose of an extremely nasty virus. My throat hurts. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. Hell, even my lower back is in agony. The illness has been a true motherfucker. But this is the first time I’ve been sick in years. For the most part, I’m a healthy guy. Let’s hope that my luck continues.

          I dried off with one of my wife’s tiny towels and walked downstairs.

          The Dragon Lady said, “Are you hungly?”

          I shook my head. “I’m too ill to eat.”

          She shot me the stink eye. “So I must trow away da food?”


          “You da asshoe.”

          “I’m sick. Can’t you just be nice?”

          “What? You think I bleastfeed you just because you catch da cold?”

          I didn’t respond. I hate fighting.

          I walked to work with Rice-Boy Larry. It hurt to talk, so we trudged along silently.

          Later that morning, I attended a meeting. Our principal has found another job, so he’ll be leaving after Chinese New Year. His replacement is a woman. She gave the faculty a pep talk. I can’t remember a fucking thing she said. Maybe I have Alzheimer’s.

          My mom called me using WeChat.

          She said, “Tucker Carlson says that China is cracking down on Christmas.”

          I said, “Well, we all have to work that day. But I’m not sure if that constitutes a crackdown, or if it's simply business as usual.”

          “What’s wrong with your voice?”

          “I caught a nasty virus.”

          “You sound terrible.”

          “I feel like shit.”

          The classes went well enough. One of my old students came back for a visit. She’s currently studying at a private school in Oregon.

          I said, “Are your new teachers a bunch of liberal loons?”

          She said, “No, and I’m actually enjoying myself. We never talk politics. They focus mainly on the curriculum. They don’t have time for anything extemporaneous.”

          I was surprised. “You don’t talk about politics in your history or English classes?”

          “We avoid it like the plague.”

          “Even the teachers?”

          “Even the teachers.”

          This made me a little sad. Times are changing. People are becoming afraid to speak their minds.

          In fact, I used to post about politics at a message board which caters to Caucasian ESL teachers in Korea. But many of them became completely butt-hurt. They told me that I was a fascist because I read Breitbart News. They also said that they need a safe-space from Nazis like me. I shit you not.

          I got home at 5 p.m. I watched the game between New Orleans and Pittsburgh. The Saints won by a field goal. They now have homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. They are going to be tough to beat in the Superdome.

          I went to bed at eight p.m. I slept like the dead.


  1. Back in the day "uncle floyd" floyd vivino had a show on uhf that sometimes featured the ramones, iggy pop even david bowie as musical guests.
    Floyd was a master ragtime piano player, and his cast loved throwing pies, using the old whoopie cushion and making homo jokes.
    Good times.

  2. "Are you new teachers" --> "aren't you new teachers?"

    today we are learning about how Times are changing. People are becoming afraid to speak their minds.

    this is reminding unto us about how jobe (peace be on him) saith in the book of jobe (literally "eeyob", meaning "eeyore") and chapter 9, where it goes:

    even though I am innocent
    I still gotta beg the Judge for mercy

    he doesn't even let me catch my breath

    even though I'm right,
    he says I'm guilty

    the tsunami kills little children
    and he just laffs at them

    my life slips by like
    paper boats

    even when I bathe with the superscrub
    you put me into the grease dump
    and my clothes get all sticky

    there's no umpire,
    nobody to take away the whipping stick
    so that I wouldn't be afraid to speak my mind.

    but that's now how it is, unfortunately.

    here is the village people with "chrismassing in china"


  3. i am now inspired to move to china and teach, and marry an asian wife. which nationality do you recommend? and which to avoid?