Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A young lady from northeastern China got tired of being compared to her successful brother. So she poured paint thinner over her mother’s head and set the poor woman alight. Mom survived the initial fire but succumbed to infection a few days later. Her angry daughter pled guilty to manslaughter and was handed a 15-year prison sentence.
I stepped into my spacious shower. The hot water felt wonderful as it pounded against my flab. I thought about a Korean-American porn star named Lucy Lee. Lucy has no qualms about taking it in the ass—which is a definite plus in my book. It wasn’t long till I popped a Woodrow. I proceeded to spank my monkey using plenty of shampoo and conditioner for maximum pleasure. I shot my load in less than five minutes. My orgasm was quite explosive. I really had a great time.
I dried off with one of my wife’s tiny towels and walked downstairs. I ate a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. It was topped with granola. The meal was delicious. I’m a huge fan of granola. I enjoy the way it crunches when I break it between my teeth.
Rice-Boy Larry said, “How come you slept on the sofa?”
“I kept having terrible dreams about the high school curriculum. These nightmares were followed by a feeling like I was drowning. Plus your mother kept kicking me in her sleep.”
The Dragon Lady said, “You da fucken idiot.”
I said, “Why?”
“All da otha teacha take bleak duling Chinese New Year. I want to go Thailand.”
“But I can only afford one holiday per year. And this summer we’re travelling to Korea.”
“Thailand not expensive.”
“I’ve been to Thailand, and I remember dropping a lot of coin.”
“You da cunt.”
My wife is one of those assholes who will never be happy, so I don’t even try to please her anymore. And, even if I decided to drop a boatload of cash on a Thai vacation, she would still call me an idiot and a cunt. I don’t think that she can actually help herself. In fact, I truly believe that the woman is mentally ill. But, with that said, I no longer give a flying fuck. She has her life, and I have mine. She’s free to go on her dream holiday with Rice-Boy Larry. However, I will just stay put in China. The peace will do me a world of good.
I got to school at 7:25 a.m. We had a morning meeting which focused on teamwork and togetherness. Sadly, I can’t remember a damn thing that anybody said. I just smiled and nodded like the village idiot. I hope I’m not coming down with Alzheimer’s. Don’t laugh. I’m no spring chicken.
I saw my boss later in the day.
He said, “Have you been observing the teachers?”
“I do the occasional walk-through.”
“Are they making high marks?”
“I don’t grade them. If I did, I wouldn’t have any friends at this school.”
He nodded. “You’re a smart man, Buffalo.”
I smiled. “Sometimes I am, and sometimes I’m not.”
Poor old Buffalo is the head teacher—whatever the fuck that means. But grading the other teachers isn’t part of my job description. I’m the guy who orders the textbooks, takes care of the detentions, and keeps the trains running on time. I’m not here to rat on my coworkers. The administration can do their own dirty work.