Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A man from northeast China got into a huge fight with his wife and became quite distraught. So he decided to cheer himself up by driving his Audi sports car into a group of primary school children who were on their way to lunch. Five of the kids are dead, and many others are currently in the hospital. The asshole who committed this crime will get a speedy trial and a quick death. It’s more than he deserves.
I stepped into my spacious shower. The hot water felt glorious as it pounded against my blubber. I briefly thought about beating my meat, but I couldn’t get it up. I’m getting older, and I simply can’t jerk off with the same zeal which I possessed in my youth. Just as well. I’m fifty fucking years old. I should start acting more like an elder statesman and less like a filthy reprobate.
I dried my body with one of my wife’s tiny towels and walked downstairs. I had oatmeal and granola for breakfast. It tasted delicious. I used to eat a shitload of bacon, but the Dragon Lady never buys the stuff anymore. Maybe she’s looking out for my health. After all, I’m her meal ticket, so it makes sense to keep me in peak condition.
I walked to school with Rice-Boy Larry.
I said, “Larry, wait here on the sidewalk. I’m going to the store to purchase some Halls.”
I bought an entire box for 40 rmb. That’s less than 10 dollars for twenty packs of my favorite candy. You can’t beat that with a stick. It’s the magic of China.
Rice-Boy Larry said, “Dad, can we go to Thailand during winter vacation?”
I said, “Knock that shit off. You know I’m poor.”
“But lots of the other kids are going.”
“They have more money than me. Besides, one vacation per year is plenty. We aren’t the Rockefellers.”
I got to work at 7:30 a.m. I called my mother using WeChat.
I said, “How’s Ken been doing?”
“He just bought a virtual-reality machine for $425.”
“What the fuck is a virtual-reality machine?”
She shrugged. “I’m not sure. But to me it looks like a giant pair of fancy black glasses.”
“Wow. $425 dollars. That’s expensive.”
“Well, he’s a working man.”
I changed the subject. “How’s life been going with you?”
“Not much is happening. I found a show I really like called Narcos.”
“Mom, I love that program. It’s one of my favorites. I’ve seen all the episodes.”
“Juan and I really like it, too.”
Later in the day, two of the students got caught skipping class. They were mentored by one of the teachers. She lectured them for nearly an hour on the importance of honesty. In fact, she browbeat them so much so that one of the culprits began to cry uncontrollably. The teacher then asked them both if they wanted to make changes in their lives to become better human beings. She said that she was more than willing to help. The students treated her offer in a noncommittal fashion. I don’t blame them. In my opinion, this particular person always goes to extremes. Christ, all they did was skip class. It’s not like they tried to assassinate the pope.
I’m not into the idea of mentoring. Why? Most of the mentors that I’ve met over the years are fucking nuttier than a fruitcake. Their personal demons seem to guide them in this altruistic direction. Therefore, it’s usually nothing more than a case of the blind leading the blind. Instead, those naughty teens should have been given three detentions and some punish work. I guess I could push the issue, but I simply can’t be bothered.