Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A Chinese man from Xian was recently given a nine-day jail sentence. His crime? He recorded himself burning a Koran and uploaded the film to social media. The mainland is home to twenty-two million Muslims. Therefore, the last thing the government wants to do is piss off its religious citizens by insulting Mohammed. After all, according to Islam, the penalty for badmouthing the prophet is death. Even the Chinese government knows that extreme sensitivity is required.
I stepped into my shower. The hot water felt great as it pounded against my blubber. I thought about a girl named Michelle. She’s a Caucasian lass with raven-black hair and a huge set of melons. She also has a great ass. Nice and juicy. I soon had a Woodrow, so I decided to spank my monkey. I performed the deed using plenty of shampoo and conditioner. My orgasm was quite explosive. It felt great. I really had a good time.
I dried off with one of my wife’s tiny towels. Then I went downstairs and ate. The Dragon Lady had prepared oatmeal topped with granola. It was resting on the kitchen table. I wolfed down the vittles in less than five minutes. The breakfast tasted wonderful.
I walked to school with Rice-Boy Larry. The weather was cool and overcast, and the air was relatively clean. We didn’t talk. He now wears headphones and listens to music when he travels. I must scream to get his attention, and I simply can’t be bothered.
I arrived at work around 7:30 a.m. I called my mother using WeChat.
I said, “How’s that cyst on your neck doing?”
She said, “It’s pretty much gone now. The doctor decided not to lance it. He’s going to leave it be.”
“Well, that’s great news. And how is Juan?”
“The hospital says that his prostate has calcified. That’s why he keeps getting infections.”
“Talk about a motherfucker.”
“It sounds terrible. But this is normal for eighty-year-old men. Juan and I are officially a couple of oldsters.”
“Mom, you’re only seventy-one. Live as long as you can. Ken needs a place to stay while he’s in college.”
She laughed. “You’re disgusting. How can I control if I live or die?”
“It’s the power of positive thinking. We need you. Hang on for dear life.”
My day at school went well. One of the students got angry because I marked a question incorrect on his test. We’re currently reading a story about Europe. I quizzed them on the material the other day.
He said, “The Spanish were the first Europeans to discover America!”
I said, “No, it was actually the Vikings.”
“You’re wrong. They discovered Canada. Canada isn’t America.”
“Canada isn’t part of the United States, but it’s very much part of America.”
“You’re being too strict. Nobody cares about Canada.”
“You’re wrong again. Millions and millions of people care deeply. They are called Canadians.”
He snarled at me, but I just gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder. I’m no longer Captain Discipline. I’m now just a happy-go-lucky elderly teacher. And I’m satisfied with that role. I’m simply too fucking old to get my panties in a bunch over Asian teenage bullshit.