Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A television announcer from Shanghai accused an actress named Fan Bing-Bing of tax evasion. He also claimed that the police took lots of bribes to cover up the crime. According to him, the cash was used to purchase expensive booze and cigarettes. This whistle blower has mysteriously disappeared. Some are speculating that he is currently in a jail cell.
Maybe I’m a pussy, but the last thing I would want to do in China is stir the pot. The government treasures peace and harmony above all else, and troublemakers simply aren’t tolerated. With that in mind, I would now like to officially go on the record by saying this publicly: I adore you, Big Brother. I always have, and I always will. There’s no need to send me to the Ministry of Love. Mr. Buffalo remains your devoted slave. In fact, feel free to ass rape me any time you wish. My anus is your anus.
Work was a bitch. I’ve been having some troubles with one of the kids. His name is Tim, and he’s seventeen years old. Tim managed to piss off all his fellow students. He told his classmates that they are a group of dullards who can’t handle the rigors of a quality public school education. According to him, my place of employment was built to cater to Chinese retards.
I said, “You can’t talk to people like that.”
He said, “I’m not afraid of you.”
I said, “You have a detention.”
“Do you think I care? I’m going to the principal to get you fired.”
Tim came back an hour later. I was alone in my classroom. His eyes were red, and it was obvious that he had been crying.
Tim said, “I don’t have to do your stupid detention.”
I said, “Really?”
“Really! Just ask the principal, idiot.”
“Did you just call me an idiot?”
“Yes. What are you gonna do about it?”
So I walked to my superior’s office. He was sitting behind a large desk. He waved me in, and I took a seat across from him.
I said, “Did Tim come see you?”
He said, “Yes.”
“Did you give him a detention?”
He simply shrugged his shoulders and shot me a big toothy oriental grin. That’s the universal Asian response for no.
I said, “OK. But he just called me an idiot. You’ve effectively robbed me of my power.”
“I didn’t mean to do that. It’s one of those things.”
“One of those things? So you don’t want me to give him a detention?”
“On the contrary. He should face the consequences for his actions. I want you to force him to go.”
“But if he doesn’t show up, will you support me?”
He shrugged his shoulders once again and shot me another grin. I finally got the message. My principal is intimidated by Tim. Maybe his parents are Beijing bigshots.
I said, “I have an idea.”
He perked up. “I’d love to hear it.”
“Why don’t we just pretend that nothing happened?”
“That’s right. Nothing happened. We will sweep the entire incident right under the rug and erase it from history.”
“Would that be fair to the other children.”
“Probably not. But who said that life is fair?”
He sighed deeply. “Thanks for understanding.”
I’m a real profile in courage.