Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Four angry villagers from a rural town in northern China ripped up the Chinese flag in front of city hall. They were pissed because a court decision hadn’t gone their way. But here’s the problem. Free speech doesn’t exist on the mainland, and the flag is considered a sacred symbol of the state. So these criminals will now have to spend the next nine months in a jail cell.
I stepped into my spacious shower. The hot water felt great against my blubber, and I thought about a French porno star named Mimi. Mimi is an ethnic Korean who has no gumption about taking it in the ass. That’s always a plus in my book. It wasn’t long before I popped a Woodrow, so I decided to beat my meat using plenty of shampoo and conditioner. I blew my load in five minutes. My orgasm was quite explosive. I had a wonderful time.
I dried off using one of my wife’s tiny towels. Then I walked downstairs and called my mom on WeChat.
“Your Uncle Blaine and your Aunt Debbie came for a visit. They left yesterday. Why didn’t you call?”
“I don’t want to talk to those assholes.”
“I think you’re being unreasonable.”
“Debbie unfriended me on Facebook. That bitch can rot in hell as far as I’m concerned.”
“Well, you were making fun of her soccer team. You know they take that shit seriously. It’s like a religion over there.”
My aunt and uncle are from Scotland. They both support the Glasgow Rangers. Their team sucks giant ass. The Rangers haven’t won a goddamn trophy in years. One time, back when I was twenty years old, I almost got into a fist fight with one of the players right outside of Ibrox Stadium. But that’s a tale for another day.
I said, “Stop sticking up for her. She chose a football team over her own nephew.”
“Son, you were pissing off all her friends. They saw your anti-Ranger posts on Facebook, and they stopped inviting her to parties.”
“Well, they can go fuck themselves, too.”
My day at work was filled with ups and downs. One of my twelfth-grade classes had to deliver a dramatic performance in front of their peers, and they were extremely nervous. I don’t blame them. I hate acting. It makes me feel stupid when I pretend to be somebody else. To make matters worse, the audience kept on talking and talking. Finally, I took the microphone.
I said, “Hi, kids. Can you hear me out there?”
The crowd went silent.
“The students are a little bit afraid. They might be suffering from stage fright. Trust me. Speaking in front of a crowd is never easy. So I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t talk during the play. Thank you.”
Later in the day, I was approached by the history teacher. She’s a Chinese American from a rich family. Her dad owns houses in Maine, Taiwan, and Macau. Her name is Ms. Liu, and she’s a real know it all.
She said, “Mr. Buffalo, you tore the students down when you said that they were afraid. You should build them up instead.”
I smiled, but I wanted to rip her lips off.
“You’re one-hundred percent correct. I should have chosen a better word. Point taken.”
Ms. Liu knows that I’m a kind-hearted soul. She simply loves sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong. That bitch should go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.