Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Shingles and Tom Brady

Chapter 11

          Yesterday, I woke up at five a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the news on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Two Chinese tourists went on a trip to Sweden. It was the middle of the night when they arrived at their hotel. They had reservations for the next day, and they asked to spend the remainder of the evening in the hotel lobby. The desk clerk said no, but the couple refused to leave. So the police came and escorted them to jail.

          I hate to travel. In fact, I rarely leave my neighborhood these days. My feelings are ironic because I haven’t been to my home country in a decade. I’ve spent all that time hanging out in Asia, and I’ll probably die in South Korea. The very thought sends shivers down my spine. But oh well. What’s a boy to do?

          I took a quick shower and dried off with one of my wife’s tiny towels. I was simply too tired to beat my meat. Then I walked downstairs and called my mom on WeChat.

          She said, “I’m very angry.”


          “Your son took the car without my permission.”

          “Where is he?”

          “Eating at that fucking Korean restaurant again.”

          “Do you want me to talk to him?”

          “I can handle it.”

          “It could be worse. He’s a clean-cut kid. He doesn’t do drugs or alcohol, and he hasn’t gotten anyone pregnant.”

          “I don’t mind if he uses the car in town, but that goddamn place is an hour away.”

          “He can be hardheaded at times. Make sure you lay down clear expectations.”

          “Clear expectations my ass. Ken knows that he’s acting like a jerk. If he keeps it up, he can start taking the bus. We’ll see how he likes riding with the bums and the winos.”

          I hung up the phone. The Dragon Lady had heard the entire conversation. Needless to say, she felt compelled to add her two cents.

          “Your mudda da cunt. She not know how to tawk to Ken.”

          “Now why would you call her a cunt? She’s helping you out by letting your child get an American education. Every Korean mother dreams about that.”

          “She a cunt, and you da idiot. I tawk to Ken. He ristens to me.”

          She tried contacting the boy, but he never answered.

          I quickly ate a pancake and walked to school with Rice-Boy Larry. Larry told me that his classes are going OK. However, he doesn’t feel true passion about any of his subjects. He just does his school work for the grades. Like his brother, he dreams of becoming the next great internet sensation. He wants to be a YouTube star.

          I attended the morning meeting. My boss spoke for fifteen minutes, but I can’t remember a single word. I just smiled and nodded my head. I’m wonderful that way.

          The students were very nice. I told them that I had downloaded The Woman in Black from a pirate website the previous night.

          Heidi Cao said, “Teacher, can we watch it?”

          I said, “It’s too scary.”

          “That’s OK. We’re all eighteen.”

          “It’s not OK. I don’t want you children to get nightmares.”

          “Is the movie good?”

          “I’d give it a B. It’s filled with thrills and chills. However, Hollywood felt free changing the book. For instance, Arthur Kipps is a tortured soul even as a young man. In the novel, he’s footloose and fancy free. He doesn’t get moody until after seeing the ghost.

          Heidi said, “Why did they change the original story?”

          I said, “Hollywood ruins everything.”

          I got home at 5 p.m. I watched the New England Patriots play the Jacksonville Jaguars. The Patriots got spanked by the younger team. Tom Brady is now 41 fucking years old. This is probably the year when the wheels come off. Nobody escapes Father Time.

          My wife ran down the stairs. “I have da shingle again because you. You give me so much stless. My head hurt. You da motha fucka.”

          “What do you want me to do?”

          “Make an appointment at the hospital.”

          “OK. OK.”

          So I made the call. She sees the doctor tomorrow at 10.

          Holy Christ.

          What a life. There’s certainly never a dull moment.